Dawn Eater

[billy]

I-
Like my eggs
Fried in sky,

Broken on
Mountains, or
Nail-tipped Horizons
And spread
On an azure Pan,
Buttered with clouds.

I-
Like to watch
The yellow yoke,

Ascend the Atlantic
Stopping, then
Plopping down
Onto my plate,
Quiet and cool.

The blinking planes
And sailing ships
Are sweet, but
Nothing beats
The meals
Of the east.

Feels a little rushed, but...any comments?

not a lot to say regards improving the piece. for me it's almost a done deal.
love the originality, the airy lightness, the metaphors and similes were excellent. i loved your use of assonance in stopping and plopping

end comma's you don't really need them as the line break works as one.
caps on every sentence, the rule isn't hard and fast but many think it spoils the concentration and the run on. a cap denotes a new sentence.

many don't use any caps or any grammar. the rule is, if you use grammar use it properly (the end comma being the exception)

is the line; are sweet, but a new sentence.

i really enjoyed the reading of it larry, excellent stuff.
for me it just needs about two minutes work (re end commas and caps to make it publishable.)

after another re-read i think it would do well with no grammar. the poem stands alone without need of it.
the line breaks are perfect. jmo