12-10-2025, 06:53 AM
i pour sugar on grapefruit
i don't like the bitter taste
the sweetness covers it up
but it's still there
________________
^^^Present tense gives a sense of immediacy or intimacy of this small moment, puts me in narrator's perspective. Nice. "the bitter taste" "the sweetness" - It's interesting you say "the" instead of "its" or any other referential word. An economical use of words to reflect a simple moment! Still, the use of "the" somehow complicates the first line. I begin to notice you're (I'm?) holding this small moment maybe at arm's length, detached.
You say "I don't like" which takes me a little bit out of this small moment. I'm taken from the close-up shot of pouring sugar to something that's a bit more exposition. I'm not sure my advice would be to "show and don't tell" here, because more descriptive words may break up moment as well. Maybe simply, "the sweetness covers up the bitter taste". Although, speaking of "covers [it] up": this is a bit paradoxical because you go on to refer to the bitter taste, saying it's still there. Maybe another phrase that can capture the feeling of "it's trying to do something, but failing", rather than "cover up"?
________________
with every mouthful
i add more sugar
once isn't enough
it's still bitter underneath
________________
^^^This brings me back into the moment. Nice. I notice it's repeating the sentiment expressed above. What would happen if you just kept the first line of your poem and added it to these lines? Would it still be intelligible to the reader, or would it be asking them to do too much work, to connect these ideas?
________________
that's why i don't like grapefruit
so why do i still cling to you
open wide when offered
craving sucrose
________________
^^^
First line is more moment-yanking exposition. Though I get it's necessary to introduce the idea that you don't *like* what you are doing, but you are doing it anyway.
Grapefruit -> connected to lover. "Cling" makes me think -- are you the sugar, and the lover the grapefruit? The way sugar might cling? Or is this pushing things in a "too obvious" direction? "Open wide when offered" > suggests passive consumption of lover, like passive eating of bitter grapefruit. Though when I started reading the "open wide" line, I took the first two words to be the start of a command: "Open wide, now". What happens if you rephrase to "I open wide"?
________________
your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me
but the aftertaste
lingers
________________
^^^ Similar to "covers up", "smothers" implies I think something more complete than what you're describing. Consider breaking up these lines in a different way. The isolation of "linger" seems a bit too obvious.
Edited quickly to add: now this is interesting! I didn’t catch this on my first few read-throughs. But is this meant to be something from your lover’s perspective? Or is it a messy/erroneous pronoun shift? Because in the beginning, the first-person entity is pouring the sugar. But now sweetness is being attributed to the lover - the lover is giving the first-person entity sweetness. I don’t know, but it’s sticking (haha) a bit in my head. Giving me some dissonance here.
________________
when you leave again
i'm left eating peel
mouth full of pith
still wanting more
________________
^^^ This is interesting, more mindless eating. It’s kind of arresting because no one would *eat * peel and pith, it’s not generally labeled as foodstuff.
________________
Overall: I like the (deceptively) simple wording. I want this to be more visceral. Keep it up, don’t be afraid to get a little weird.
i don't like the bitter taste
the sweetness covers it up
but it's still there
________________
^^^Present tense gives a sense of immediacy or intimacy of this small moment, puts me in narrator's perspective. Nice. "the bitter taste" "the sweetness" - It's interesting you say "the" instead of "its" or any other referential word. An economical use of words to reflect a simple moment! Still, the use of "the" somehow complicates the first line. I begin to notice you're (I'm?) holding this small moment maybe at arm's length, detached.
You say "I don't like" which takes me a little bit out of this small moment. I'm taken from the close-up shot of pouring sugar to something that's a bit more exposition. I'm not sure my advice would be to "show and don't tell" here, because more descriptive words may break up moment as well. Maybe simply, "the sweetness covers up the bitter taste". Although, speaking of "covers [it] up": this is a bit paradoxical because you go on to refer to the bitter taste, saying it's still there. Maybe another phrase that can capture the feeling of "it's trying to do something, but failing", rather than "cover up"?
________________
with every mouthful
i add more sugar
once isn't enough
it's still bitter underneath
________________
^^^This brings me back into the moment. Nice. I notice it's repeating the sentiment expressed above. What would happen if you just kept the first line of your poem and added it to these lines? Would it still be intelligible to the reader, or would it be asking them to do too much work, to connect these ideas?
________________
that's why i don't like grapefruit
so why do i still cling to you
open wide when offered
craving sucrose
________________
^^^
First line is more moment-yanking exposition. Though I get it's necessary to introduce the idea that you don't *like* what you are doing, but you are doing it anyway.
Grapefruit -> connected to lover. "Cling" makes me think -- are you the sugar, and the lover the grapefruit? The way sugar might cling? Or is this pushing things in a "too obvious" direction? "Open wide when offered" > suggests passive consumption of lover, like passive eating of bitter grapefruit. Though when I started reading the "open wide" line, I took the first two words to be the start of a command: "Open wide, now". What happens if you rephrase to "I open wide"?
________________
your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me
but the aftertaste
lingers
________________
^^^ Similar to "covers up", "smothers" implies I think something more complete than what you're describing. Consider breaking up these lines in a different way. The isolation of "linger" seems a bit too obvious.
Edited quickly to add: now this is interesting! I didn’t catch this on my first few read-throughs. But is this meant to be something from your lover’s perspective? Or is it a messy/erroneous pronoun shift? Because in the beginning, the first-person entity is pouring the sugar. But now sweetness is being attributed to the lover - the lover is giving the first-person entity sweetness. I don’t know, but it’s sticking (haha) a bit in my head. Giving me some dissonance here.
________________
when you leave again
i'm left eating peel
mouth full of pith
still wanting more
________________
^^^ This is interesting, more mindless eating. It’s kind of arresting because no one would *eat * peel and pith, it’s not generally labeled as foodstuff.
________________
Overall: I like the (deceptively) simple wording. I want this to be more visceral. Keep it up, don’t be afraid to get a little weird.