grapefruit II

[dukealien]

grapefruit II  Interesting title - probably the second you've written with this name, but also maybe second try at this relationship?

i pour sugar on grapefruit  perhaps "spoon" rather than "pour" for the old-fashioned courting connotation?
i don't like the bitter taste  how about "its" instead of "the" - and a semicolon?
the sweetness covers it up  is "the" necessary here?  Or "up?"
but it's still there  maybe a change-up... "but still it's there?"

with every mouthful
i add more sugar this doesn't actually make sense... before each mouthful, maybe?
once isn't enough  perhaps semicolon here, and no "it's" on next line - brevity in anger
it's still bitter underneath 

that's why i don't like grapefruit  perhaps punctuation for a thoughtful pause here - em dash for a longer pause for reflection
so why do i still cling to you  another spot for punctuation - a comma to avoid making reader interpret "cling to you open wide"
open wide when offered  another break needed
craving sucrose  "sucrose" is a bit jarring, technical... is there a more emotional word for sweetness?

your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me  GOOD use of "the" here
but the aftertaste  but need an alternate here, even if it's just "your"
lingers  good use of languidly short line

when you leave again
i'm left eating peel  again, doesn't quite make sense - perhaps "tasting" rather than "eating"... and punctuation needed to avoid "peel mouth"
mouth full of pith  can't help giggling, hearing a lisp here.   Is there a better word for that cottony membrane that's left after you dig out the grapefruit wedges?  Another word for bitter, or even tasteless?
still wanting more  maybe "but" for "still" but basically, this is ok, so stet

In intensive critique, this is a simple metaphor well worked over.  The ee cummings absence of capitalization and punctuation is a defensible style, but (as noted above) a few punctuation marks could make the meaning clearer in places.

Note how limiting use of "the" can help.  For example, your "I'm left eating peel" would be weaker as "left eating the peel."  "The" can often - though not always - be improved by its removal or replacement with a more specific word.  In the hypothetical example, "left eating dry peel."

It's a fairly spare poem, but could still be improved by removing a few words.  On the whole, it impresses most with the absence of bitterness on the part of the speaker - he imputes it all to the beloved, but tolerates it (perhaps to the point of codependency).  Or the speaker may be working up to a breakup *he* initiates, for a change, but there's no evidence of that besides at least rhetorically admitting that he knows he's hooked.

So there are some potentially interesting cross-currents there.  In addition to cleaning up a few spots, you might be able to hint at what happens next in this relationship.