08-22-2022, 03:59 AM
Hello again Tim-
I read Steve's comment that "pounce", grammatically speaking, refers back to "the twitching tail" and see how that could cause confusion.
And that leads to a suggestion, which shortens this one even more, while capitalizing the bird's/woman's name. Of course, it's just a suggestion:
Phoebe
twitching
perched on a rock
about to pounce.
ps. I left off the body part, to avoid a visual of a woman twitching her ass. Also, I wouldn't have commented again unless I really liked this one. It really is fine in the revision, I just couldn't help but tinker-- chisel, chisel chisel, til there's nothing left but dust...
I read Steve's comment that "pounce", grammatically speaking, refers back to "the twitching tail" and see how that could cause confusion.
And that leads to a suggestion, which shortens this one even more, while capitalizing the bird's/woman's name. Of course, it's just a suggestion:
Phoebe
twitching
perched on a rock
about to pounce.
ps. I left off the body part, to avoid a visual of a woman twitching her ass. Also, I wouldn't have commented again unless I really liked this one. It really is fine in the revision, I just couldn't help but tinker-- chisel, chisel chisel, til there's nothing left but dust...