08-14-2022, 04:40 AM
Hey Tim-
Really nice short one, but I don't think you even need the first two lines.
The twitching tail
of a phoebe
perched on a rock
about to pounce.
You know me, edit edit edit, until very little remains. That said, those last three lines were all I needed (even though I'd suggest four, with some white space. I feel the Catcher in the Rye vibe... "when a body catch a body comin' through the rye". That, and the double entendre of Phoebe (flycatcher/woman). For me, there's plenty enough in those lines.
Might suggest "a body catch a body" for the title.
Cool beans,
Mark
Really nice short one, but I don't think you even need the first two lines.
The twitching tail
of a phoebe
perched on a rock
about to pounce.
You know me, edit edit edit, until very little remains. That said, those last three lines were all I needed (even though I'd suggest four, with some white space. I feel the Catcher in the Rye vibe... "when a body catch a body comin' through the rye". That, and the double entendre of Phoebe (flycatcher/woman). For me, there's plenty enough in those lines.
Might suggest "a body catch a body" for the title.
Cool beans,
Mark