05-05-2022, 02:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-05-2022, 02:11 PM by RiverNotch.)
Your piece currently piles on too much. It starts off a metaphor (a person -> introspection) followed by another metaphor (introspection -> millipede) followed by ANOTHER metaphor (millipede -> object in space) followed by ANOTHER metaphor (object in space -> object in a pocket).
Then, in the second stanza, there's a "they". Introspection is already an inanimate object, so "they" can only refer to the person compared to introspection rather than introspection itself, but that's not entirely clear, *especially* when there is a plural noun much closer -- "light years". So while the sense is sort of clear in the second stanza -- "Their nerves" referring to the millipede's nerves -- it should be more direct. Not to mention another awkward layering of metaphors: "nerves (of the millipede)" -> "branches (of a tree)" is fine on its own, but trees aren't exactly well-known for being as sensitive to stimuli as, say, a twitchy fly, *and then* it's followed by "sensing nothing, hearing nothing", which is a blatant contradiction.
The third stanza doesn't need the first comma, while the second comma seems better-replaced by a colon or something. Dreams tend to flourish in voids, too, so the second sentence doesn't seem particularly sensible.
The fourth stanza does seem especially juvenile, compared to the attempted voice in the rest of the poem.
The fifth stanza also doesn't need the comma.
But yeah, the third and fifth stanzas are what I would consider to be your 'starts', because they're simple enough to root a better, more sensible poem; they contain what you want to say, without the unwieldy mess you've actually presented. Piling on metaphors, as you've done with the first stanza, is a legitimate technique, but either there has to be some sort of spatial or temporal logic behind it, or the way you present the metaphors has to be exceptionally daring. You have to let the metaphors connect in a manner that tells a coherent story -- for example, start with why someone feels so small, then that someone compares how they feel to dirt in their pocket, which they imagine to be a millipede curled up, which (*working their way up*) could be compared to a family huddled up in Azovstal steelworks, which could then be compared to all of Ukraine, then all Generation Z, then planet Earth in the vast solar system, then the solar system in a vast galaxy, then the galaxy in a vast universe -- or else you have to dedicate much more than a single line or even just a few words to the metaphor, describing the images with enough force that the reader actually *wants* to figure out the piece's internal logic. The rest of the poem hinges on this; your current missteps make the second stanza as senseless and the third stanza as dull as they currently are.
Then, in the second stanza, there's a "they". Introspection is already an inanimate object, so "they" can only refer to the person compared to introspection rather than introspection itself, but that's not entirely clear, *especially* when there is a plural noun much closer -- "light years". So while the sense is sort of clear in the second stanza -- "Their nerves" referring to the millipede's nerves -- it should be more direct. Not to mention another awkward layering of metaphors: "nerves (of the millipede)" -> "branches (of a tree)" is fine on its own, but trees aren't exactly well-known for being as sensitive to stimuli as, say, a twitchy fly, *and then* it's followed by "sensing nothing, hearing nothing", which is a blatant contradiction.
The third stanza doesn't need the first comma, while the second comma seems better-replaced by a colon or something. Dreams tend to flourish in voids, too, so the second sentence doesn't seem particularly sensible.
The fourth stanza does seem especially juvenile, compared to the attempted voice in the rest of the poem.
The fifth stanza also doesn't need the comma.
But yeah, the third and fifth stanzas are what I would consider to be your 'starts', because they're simple enough to root a better, more sensible poem; they contain what you want to say, without the unwieldy mess you've actually presented. Piling on metaphors, as you've done with the first stanza, is a legitimate technique, but either there has to be some sort of spatial or temporal logic behind it, or the way you present the metaphors has to be exceptionally daring. You have to let the metaphors connect in a manner that tells a coherent story -- for example, start with why someone feels so small, then that someone compares how they feel to dirt in their pocket, which they imagine to be a millipede curled up, which (*working their way up*) could be compared to a family huddled up in Azovstal steelworks, which could then be compared to all of Ukraine, then all Generation Z, then planet Earth in the vast solar system, then the solar system in a vast galaxy, then the galaxy in a vast universe -- or else you have to dedicate much more than a single line or even just a few words to the metaphor, describing the images with enough force that the reader actually *wants* to figure out the piece's internal logic. The rest of the poem hinges on this; your current missteps make the second stanza as senseless and the third stanza as dull as they currently are.