03-01-2018, 06:43 PM
Hey would of liked to get in on this discussion before any revisions alas I missed the boat. Just want to leave you a few fleeting observations nothing line by line:
What strikes is that S1 feels tight and the words and their use feel economic, it for me reflects those flashbacks you have hungover the next day after a good night out. I think you go a long way to show the reader how those recollections come to the N without having to spell it out.
You lose me slightly through S2, although I do like golden hairdos jingle I think you could work harder for these images to feel like spontaneous which would better mirror S1.
I know that we want what we read and write to have meaning, a message but I personally don’t see the problem in poetry that just captures moments without eulogising them and giving the reader or the N, some measure of catharsis. To that end I feel like S1 and S2 feel distinct and separate from S3 to S5. For me, they work well on their own and that’s where I would work to expand them slightly. For me they stand up as poetry in themselves.
At any rate just, a few thoughts nothing major
Johnny
What strikes is that S1 feels tight and the words and their use feel economic, it for me reflects those flashbacks you have hungover the next day after a good night out. I think you go a long way to show the reader how those recollections come to the N without having to spell it out.
You lose me slightly through S2, although I do like golden hairdos jingle I think you could work harder for these images to feel like spontaneous which would better mirror S1.
I know that we want what we read and write to have meaning, a message but I personally don’t see the problem in poetry that just captures moments without eulogising them and giving the reader or the N, some measure of catharsis. To that end I feel like S1 and S2 feel distinct and separate from S3 to S5. For me, they work well on their own and that’s where I would work to expand them slightly. For me they stand up as poetry in themselves.
At any rate just, a few thoughts nothing major
Johnny