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i didn´t understand the question (edit leanne, tiger, knot, FP123 + title change)
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said
about seventy years ago there was a field
in czechoslovakia, maybe not only there
and not only then.
it might have grown wheat in summer
but one late autumn day
the earth produced hands,
digging to reach the sky
and its air -
then still.
she seems waiting for answers.
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Hi V,
In all honesty I'd probably do away with the last line. I like the uncertainty of the one before it to finish on, given the nature of her condition. Perhaps you'd consider a comma in that line, after still, to capture a bit of ambiguity from the line before.
i.e.
and its air --
then still.
and still, she seems waiting for answers
It could be worse
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yeah, i guess this is too fresh.. the last line was supposed to lead to the title, but i ll have to think this over : )
i agree that the narrator should keep his mouth shut.
thanks for commenting.
...
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(02-23-2018, 08:55 AM)vagabond Wrote: about the question (edit leanne)
she had alzheimer´s, but the old lady once said
that about seventy years ago there was a field
in czechoslovakia, maybe not only then and not only there.
it might have produced grain in summer,
one late autumn day it grew (a few) arms,
digging to reach the sky
and its air -
then still.
and still, she seems waiting for answers.
Hey Vagabond. I prefer the new ending. But I hear "a few" as a similar intrusion. To my ear it adds an almost mocking tone if attributed to the N and not the lady. Striking it would be less distracting IMO.
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(02-23-2018, 09:48 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hey Vagabond. I prefer the new ending. But I hear "a few" as a similar intrusion. To my ear it adds an almost mocking tone if attributed to the N and not the lady. Striking it would be less distracting IMO.
gosh, that was not intendended, i just thought it needed to be pointed out that it was not many arms (more of them not digging).. thank you!
...
Get rid of the last line. It's not needed. Also i would rewrite the first line.
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Hi vagabond,
simple/understated and effective, nicely done.
For me the first line is weak, what has Alzheimer's
to do with what happened in that field?
As is the phrase 'then still', I think you need
something a bit more botanical/agricultural.
If she's 'waiting for answers', perhaps have her
ask a question in the first line? Not too sure
about it being implied by the title (or the two 'abouts')
Just a suggestion:
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said
about seventy years ago there was a field
in Czechoslovakia - maybe not only there
and not only then - [that] might have produced grain
in summer but one late autumn day it grew arms,
digging to reach the sky and its [the] air - then still.
and still, she seems waiting for answers.
[My grandmother asked me if I knew
how such a thing could happen]
Best, Knot.
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thanks, knot, the whole problem is that the right question(s) are hard to phrase .. this is part of what i wanted to get in there (and failed, of course)
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Hey vagabond,
I like some of the images in here. I do have some suggestions though:
(02-23-2018, 08:55 AM)vagabond Wrote: about the question (edit leanne, tiger)
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said To me, saying the woman has alzheimer's is too on the nose, so I don't think it needs to be mentioned. May be it could be hinted at more so than directly said? Just a thought.
about seventy years ago there was a field -May be consider starting with this line. It sets up the poem just as well as the current first line.
in czechoslovakia, maybe not only there and not only then.
it might have grown wheat in summer
but one late autumn day -I like the use of the seasons here because this poem is somewhat dealing with the idea of time. Would it be possible to work winter in some how? I ask because the woman in the poem is elderly.
the earth produced hands and arms,
digging to reach the sky -I like this image of the bodies in the ground. Your wording here makes the image work for me.
and its air -
then still. -I think this line could work just as well as the ending because the stillness refers back to image of the earth, but could also refer to the woman passing away.
and still she seems waiting for answers. -Another option could be to replace this last line with something that could hint back to the woman's alzheimer's? May be experiment with her uncertainty of where or when she was seeing such a sight.
Overall, I think you're going in the right direction, and I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
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Hi.
I'm new to pigpen, but your poem caught my eye.
I like the poem and its stories (Alzheimers and the recollection) very much. Mainly my suggestions reflect where I'd do breaks in my own free verse.
Cheers, and thanks for having my two bob's worth on a fine poem.
Frank
(02-23-2018, 08:55 AM)vagabond Wrote: about the question (edit leanne, tiger)
the old lady has alzheimer´s and she said
about seventy years ago there was a field
in czechoslovakia, maybe not only there and not only then. I like the ambiguity of the recollection here. The line length here seems a little clunky. Not sure if you're working to a structure. I'd probably break at '...not only there....'.
it might have grown wheat in summer
but one late autumn day
the earth produced hands and arms, so dramatic to encounter. Excellent
digging to reach the sky
and its air -
then still. Perhaps '...then stilled...'. ie was digging, then stilled.
and still she seems waiting for answers. Again, I think the line a tiny bit clunky. I'd maybe break at '...waiting...', with '...for answers...' on a new line.
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