02-13-2018, 04:17 AM
Hi Todd,
Thanks for the read. I agree that some of the parts need a bit more fleshing out. This is a bit more recent than the others I've posted so it hasn't been edited much yet. As for the punctuation, I thought to leave the commas out where I wanted to convey a sense of of disconcerted thoughts and urgency (like a salesman rapidly jabbering off features from a list) but apparently that hasn't worked. I'll have to change that.
Overall, from your comments it appears the disconnected thought-conversations do not completely hold up and carry through the idea I wanted to convey over the entire poem. I hope adding a few connecting details will mitigate that: we'll have to wait and see.
Thanks for the read. I agree that some of the parts need a bit more fleshing out. This is a bit more recent than the others I've posted so it hasn't been edited much yet. As for the punctuation, I thought to leave the commas out where I wanted to convey a sense of of disconcerted thoughts and urgency (like a salesman rapidly jabbering off features from a list) but apparently that hasn't worked. I'll have to change that.
Overall, from your comments it appears the disconnected thought-conversations do not completely hold up and carry through the idea I wanted to convey over the entire poem. I hope adding a few connecting details will mitigate that: we'll have to wait and see.