Two Haikus (or attempts, anyway)

[ritwiksadhu33]

Hi ellajam,
      Thanks for the feedback. Regarding the first one, I was thinking well past sunset but not quite pitch dark - around the time you can still make out distant shapes as black outlines against the sky. Couldn't figure out how to express that precisely, though. Regarding the second, was thinking neighbourhoods of closely clustered 3 or 4 story homes, almost within jumping distance of each other -  like in most small towns back home. Again, I'll have to search for a more appropriate word here.

Hi, ritwik. Both of these work well for me. Some points to think about:

1. This works well as is.  A Strong image that is fun to play with, imagining the take-off.

L1: While I like the sound of "Late evening sky" what is late evening? Is it night? Is it past sunset but not quite dark? You can leave it up to the reader or find the exact word to solidify the image, up to you. Just a thought.

2:Again, the poem as a whole is lovely but L1 is a bit of an unpleasant mouthful for me, you may be able to improve that. Roofs is the key here, I'm not sure what neighbors' adds. L3: You might consider cover instead of covering.

Thanks for posting them, interesting read.

1. Late evening sky,
Black leaf silhouettes -
Suddenly one grew wings

2. Neighbours’ roofs:
Endless clotheslines
Covering a naked world.