12-03-2017, 03:16 AM
Thanks for posting Keith,
I am genuinely jealous of your writing. I'm especially appreciative of the image you create and I can easily imagine the scene you're creating. I can even picture what he looks like, what he sounds like and I am almost holding his hand.
As I read the ending, it feels like it's not done. When I read this last stanza, the ending hangs but doesn't finish its landing. The two suggestion I could give are to rework your last two lines of the last stanza or add another stanza.
As an aside on the ending, what was the motivation for letting go of the hand? Why did this person let go when he talked about the fart?
He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
to make the sounds.
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
wath
mi
baby
sithter ”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“Heths
fuckin
farthted
again”
I know I said, Instead of that parallel between holding his hand and then letting go, could an action like a tear or looking away potentially work?
and let go of his hand.
The suggestion for another stanza would be to add a detail that the reader should of known from your excellent description to make them feel like they forgot as his son or daughter looks away.
I am genuinely jealous of your writing. I'm especially appreciative of the image you create and I can easily imagine the scene you're creating. I can even picture what he looks like, what he sounds like and I am almost holding his hand.
As I read the ending, it feels like it's not done. When I read this last stanza, the ending hangs but doesn't finish its landing. The two suggestion I could give are to rework your last two lines of the last stanza or add another stanza.
As an aside on the ending, what was the motivation for letting go of the hand? Why did this person let go when he talked about the fart?
He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
to make the sounds.
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
wath
mi
baby
sithter ”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“Heths
fuckin
farthted
again”
I know I said, Instead of that parallel between holding his hand and then letting go, could an action like a tear or looking away potentially work?
and let go of his hand.
The suggestion for another stanza would be to add a detail that the reader should of known from your excellent description to make them feel like they forgot as his son or daughter looks away.