November Sun - 2.0

[Tiger the Lion]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.

November Sun - first edit (thepoorfortune, dukealien, alstontowers)

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to boldly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

November Sun - original

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance—
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

[Debralynn]

I can relate to the content of this poem. i love the theme of nature, the feeling that new leaves will not be the same as the old ones blowing about. There seems to be a melancholy feeling that spring will not come again.

[thepoorfortune]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn The rhyme between this line and the first are very clear, but is very far away. Think about shortening the second line so to more capitalize on this. Moreover, I like the inner-rhyme with "bleeds out" and "fair to doubt". You're rhyming throughout the poem is very graceful, which really fits the transcendental theme you got goin' here.
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat This line, along with the one before it, is awkward to me, possibly because they're a bit faster than the rest of the poem -- I feel like something should elongate the pause between "to her," and "she" (consider maybe a dash or ellipsis). The mid-section of this poem is really tough to chew on (not a bad thing!). As a reader, I've spent most of my time analyzing lines 5-8, really interesting stuff.
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat. I really like the repetition here
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance— And the sensory imagery here
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance. Hell of a closing line! 

Honestly, if I wrote everything I liked about this poem, the post would be too long. I hope to see more poems from you!

[dukealien]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance—
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

Took a moment to recognize the sonnet form without its usual typography (don't change it).

Overall, very nice, original turn on a commonplace (turn of the seasons) and personification of both season and the left-behind.

Dissatisfaction?  Could be with l.2, "broken-hearted" may be a more severe break in the iambic flow than even "jilted" justifies.  Perhaps a minor inversion like, "bleeds red, heart-broken, out," but that separates "bleeds out," which is important.  A puzzle:  all the words belong.

There are other examples of broken iambic (always pentameter, though), perhaps more than necessary for contrast, emphasis, and the like - makes the poem feel a little disjointed.  L.10 is another example - a change of wording that replaces the null "the" there with something more dynamic could also repair the iambic.

In l.11, "llike" (to me) doesn't work well.  Perhaps it's informality; I'd say, "as if she'd never sinned," the contraction is almost a signature of forms vs. free verse.

Just those suggestions, and the general idea of conforming a bit more closely to meter.  Not too much, though.  It's quite nice as is - wicked, fickle weather.

[AlstonTowers]

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.


November Sun

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
as if aloof, will every time retreat ---------------- Time re/treat
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat. ---------- Stead/y beat. Double rhyme, syllabic and end rhyme. Really nice.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chill of distance—
she proudly beams like she had never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence, ----- Your rhythm is really nice in general, cannot fault it.
to warmly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

Bold: Excellent.
Italic: Some reworking maybe. 

JILTED. Great word, great meaning, goes excellently with heart-broken and the inverse of the colour red of romance to green. (seasonal, yes!)

"it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn

a leaf so lovely as these strewn about."

I read this over and over and out loud even though I'm in the library because I tried really hard to get to the bottom of why this jarred so much in my head. The flow is fantastic in the first line, 'fair to doubt that spring will ever turn a leaf so lovely...' but then 'as these strewn about' disjoints and jars what is otherwise a very rhythmic section. I think it is specifically the 'as these'. I understand because of the restrictions of the sonnet form a change to this is not going to be a particularly easy change, but it is only a suggestion.

"bend their backs to bow to her" Alliteration will always win my heart.

Warm and warmly?  Perhaps consider another word, just to add a deeper meaning, like the presence of jilted in the first line.

Overall, really quite good. The sonnet form is well executed. Great use of internal and external rhyme. Love it.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks everyone for your time and input. Minor edit posted with due credit.

poorfortune: I'm not sure exactly what you meant by L1 and L3 being too far apart. I'm not sure they can be closer than the 10 feet I've given them.   I'm still toying with your idea of a dash in L5, but have not yet made that change. 

dukealien: I understand what you're saying about the broken iambic in L2 but I have no ideas thus far on how to address it. I tried to rework the meter in L10 and L11. I'm still unsure about L10 as the meaning is slightly different now. Using "as if she'd" in L11 was my first choice but I'd already used "as if" and tried to get around a second instance. 

alston towers: I'm not hearing the issue in L4. - and you're right. It would be a very delicate thing to adjust - at least for me. "Warm" and "warmly" bugged me from the start. I may have been a little stubborn about "warmly" in L13 simply because it was a piece of the original haiku. I'm over it- thanks.

All thoughtful input and suggestions. Much appreciated.
Paul

[thepoorfortune]

To elaborate, I think L2 is kinda mouthy, but I really was just being too critical. I felt like I needed to add something more to my comment, and now even I don't see where I was coming from with that statement. lol
The edit is great and slight. (They might as well be synonymous)
Keep up the good work!

[dukealien]

(snip)

dukealien: I understand what you're saying about the broken iambic in L2 but I have no ideas thus far on how to address it. I tried to rework the meter in L10 and L11. I'm still unsure about L10 as the meaning is slightly different now. Using "as if she'd" in L11 was my first choice but I'd already used "as if" and tried to get around a second instance. 


(snip)

Excellent point, failed to connect this with the earlier instance.  Perhaps it could be, "as though she'd" for variety without changing sense or meter?  The sound is different - no "i" in it, a little heavier than "if" or "like."

[Tiger the Lion]

(snip)

dukealien: I understand what you're saying about the broken iambic in L2 but I have no ideas thus far on how to address it. I tried to rework the meter in L10 and L11. I'm still unsure about L10 as the meaning is slightly different now. Using "as if she'd" in L11 was my first choice but I'd already used "as if" and tried to get around a second instance. 


(snip)

Excellent point, failed to connect this with the earlier instance.  Perhaps it could be, "as though she'd" for variety without changing sense or meter?  The sound is different - no "i" in it, a little heavier than "if" or "like."

Absolutely! Thanks for the fresh eyes. Done.

[ellajam]

Hi, Tiger, I've been enjoying this for a while now, every time. I think you've got a strong hold of the form while letting it sit inside the poem in just the way I like, but I think you may not trust the strength of it enough. The meter will drive some of the pauses, so while I appreciate the skill and effect that the punctuation has, for me some of it seems off. I've put my nits below for you to consider. I work hard at my own punctuation but am no expert, maybe someone who knows better will think I'm all off, but this is what I would try.

The piece itself is strong and rich in image and fun metaphor, a lovely read. Well done.

Haiku turned sonnet. Been playing with this for awhile and haven't got it quite right. Still editing but would appreciate some thoughts. Thanks.

November Sun - first edit (thepoorfortune, dukealien, alstontowers)

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out, Strong, interesting opening, I'd try it without the comma after hearted.
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn Love this break every time.
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she, I think you may be able to lose the comma after her.
as if aloof, will every time retreat Maybe a semi here and a comma below.
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
But now November, where a change of wind
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
and returns with such a sweet persistence, I'm not sure about this comma, but I love a run-on.
to boldly appeal for another chance—
We cannot make winter of such romance.

[Tiger the Lion]

Somewhat indulgent bump in honour of the 17 degree weather here in Canada today. 

[Achebe]

Nice last line (to be honest, it's the only thing I liked in the pome :-D)
Yukon has nothing on Yakutsk, then

[Knot]

Hey Tiger the Lion
Like the idea, tone and a lot of the images, but I don't think it is narratively coherent.
Some thoughts below, hope they are of some use.

Best, Knot.

November Sun
Good title, but I don't think it does enough for the piece (as it is)

Here, where the calendar begins to burn
Why 'here' rather than 'now'?
'Calendar' as a synonym for season (I assume) doesn't really work for me.
Though burning account books is certainly interesting.
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
'jilted' and 'broken-hearted' seem too similar (and neither adds to the other)
rhythmically I'd suggest
and all green jilted broken hearts bleed out
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
the out/doubt rhyme disrupts the flow (at least when spoken aloud)
and overwhelms the burn/turn rhyme. Just a suggestion
(for changing the position of 'doubt' in the sentence)
one doubts that far off spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
very nice couplet (though 'strewn' is not the most melodic/sonically pleasing word)

They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
Who bends their backs? The first four lines were about leaves.
as if aloof, will every time retreat
'as if aloof' is rather weak, she is or she isn't.
(Why not something like; with great disdain?)
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
No idea what 'too south' means.

But now November, where a change of wind
Why 'now' rather than some modifier that better describes November?
And, if 'now November', when were we at the start?
'a change of wind' seems oddly constructed (and rather intestinal)
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
seems a bit of a leap from 'aloof' to 'sinned'
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
'sweet persistence' is very good

to boldly appeal for another chance—
'to boldly' anything immediately sends me to Star Trek, can't help it.
Would suggest
to make bold appeal for another chance
Not too sure about 'bold' after 'sweet'
We cannot make winter of such romance.
The last line doesn't seem to follow from the preceding.
She's appealing for another chance not to do something?
(Surely she's asking
That we make of winter a fine romance?)
Or is the last line another voice denying the request?