12-02-2017, 05:14 AM
Hey,
Thank you for posting. On first reading, I thought it was someone dreaming as the kids played outside. After a few repetitions, I see what you are going for in terms of a homemaker working with a pillow case and pillow. I think most of my comments are going to be about making it clear so I don't get a very different interpretation than the one you want me to have.
BLOODY PILLOW CASE: - I don't think she should swear at the beginning but somewhere within the poem. The way your poem starts is calm and the title should be as calm so when she gets increasingly frustrated with the pillow case the frustration is a surprise.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended, ( from a visual and sound perspective, xbox looks out of place from the rest of your piece. My suggestion would be screens instead. )
if only for a moment.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning. (If you put it this way, you start from the outside and move your way inside to her frustration)
Tugging, twisting, turning,
trying to fit this cat in the box (Were you trying to go for a different kind of jack in the box?)
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said (Could you use a different word that demands simplicity?) to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like. ( I really like the image you create in this stanza and the recipe is just perfect to get me thinking about potatoes and soufflés; I think the word choice on potatoes should change to a more high-end recipe as she deals with unrealistic expectations)
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.(I think we can come to that conclusion after reading This stanza already)
Finally!
the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?" (I like this ending but the last line is now taking the pillowcase's perspective. Your homemaker's perspective was followed throughout the rest of the piece except for the first two stanzas. I think it would be more effective if you stayed with her perspective.
Thank you for posting. On first reading, I thought it was someone dreaming as the kids played outside. After a few repetitions, I see what you are going for in terms of a homemaker working with a pillow case and pillow. I think most of my comments are going to be about making it clear so I don't get a very different interpretation than the one you want me to have.
BLOODY PILLOW CASE: - I don't think she should swear at the beginning but somewhere within the poem. The way your poem starts is calm and the title should be as calm so when she gets increasingly frustrated with the pillow case the frustration is a surprise.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended, ( from a visual and sound perspective, xbox looks out of place from the rest of your piece. My suggestion would be screens instead. )
if only for a moment.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning. (If you put it this way, you start from the outside and move your way inside to her frustration)
Tugging, twisting, turning,
trying to fit this cat in the box (Were you trying to go for a different kind of jack in the box?)
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said (Could you use a different word that demands simplicity?) to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like. ( I really like the image you create in this stanza and the recipe is just perfect to get me thinking about potatoes and soufflés; I think the word choice on potatoes should change to a more high-end recipe as she deals with unrealistic expectations)
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.(I think we can come to that conclusion after reading This stanza already)
Finally!
the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?" (I like this ending but the last line is now taking the pillowcase's perspective. Your homemaker's perspective was followed throughout the rest of the piece except for the first two stanzas. I think it would be more effective if you stayed with her perspective.