Posts: 8
Threads: 2
Joined: Nov 2017
1st revision:
Open door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. A life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is made.
Original:
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear.
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Everything's a metaphor
"People don't know what to do with you when you are not trying to assimilate" Gabrielle Union
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi, Persadia
I'm glad you wrote a poem about this. Weird I have been thinking a lot about an illustration I saw where a fella is riding in a train and when looking out one side of the train's windows, it was gloomy and sad. The bloke's face was sagging and depressed. Then it showed him looking out the other side of the train, the sun was shining, green leaves, birds, and rivers flowing. His face was bright and beaming in smiles. That's what your poem reminded me of, which side of the train do we want to sit on/look out?
Open the door, room crammed with furniture -opening the door, the room is crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond -people pack in,
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture -on and off
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. -can these next two lines form a couplet?
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings. -two warms?
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air. -plural on conversation might fit better
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Looking forward to seeing where you go with this clever poem that has a great potential to also serve as a helpful blessing to others.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 709
Threads: 74
Joined: Mar 2017
Hey Persadia,
I like the imagery here, but I do have some thoughts:
(11-23-2017, 08:06 AM)Persadia Wrote: Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food. -The word "dog" is in this stanza three times. Was this repetition intentional?
The oppressor, fear.
The life sacrificed, mine. -I would suggest putting this line and the previous one together as one stanza. They seem to go together to me.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies. -The word "warm" is in here four times. In my opinion, that's overkill.
The choice is mine. -I would recommend removing this line. Your title already covers this. My biggest suggestion would be to vary some of your word choices. May be think of it as a challenge to come up with four different words for "warm". I look forward to seeing where you go from here with this piece.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
This reads a little rough. I would ditch all of the single line stanzas. They are all a bit too showy, they tell me what the poem means but they don't show it. When i read "the life sacrificed, mine" it makes me vomit in a "oh please" kind of way.
The second major stanza is superior to the first. I would suggest chrystalizng the images in the first, and taking them to their worst-case examples so the contrast between the first and second stanza is more pronounced.
A tale of two choices is interesting as a title, but you havnt made any real allusion to transformation in the poem so it's difficult to say it is alluding to "A Tale Of Two Cities" in any way but in the title.
I might would also stick with the animal imagery throughout the poem, but perhaps not start with dog as they don't necessarily have a strong negative connotation, but depending on your wording you could make it work.
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(11-23-2017, 08:06 AM)Persadia Wrote: Open the door, room crammed with furniture i do not see the relevance of furniture here (and two lines below)
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture maybe stop this line after "sniffing"
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food. could be shorter i.e. "the turkey mingles with their food" .. although i don´t really get the purpose of those dogs.
The oppressor, fear. how does this oppressor come in?
i feal like an actor trying to make up what to play something on a script that has only these two words.
The life sacrificed, mine. might be better to describe in third person
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies. an image of wealth and peace which the subject, who was previously sacrificed is now free to choose. i don´t understand this stanza.
The choice is mine.
...
Posts: 703
Threads: 141
Joined: Oct 2017
Hi Persadia
Liked the first stanza, sketches the scene well
(salmon in a small pond is a strong image)
- though you could trim a little (as in):
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The single line stanzas seem almost random, and for me, out of place.
The fourth verse, doesn't work for me at all.
The change in tone and the lack of any distinctive
images make it rather unengaging.
The first verse with a different title (along the thanksgiving lines)
works well and stands up without the rest of the piece.
Best, Knot
Posts: 8
Threads: 2
Joined: Nov 2017
(11-23-2017, 09:56 PM)QDeathstar Wrote: This reads a little rough. I would ditch all of the single line stanzas. They are all a bit too showy, they tell me what the poem means but they don't show it. When i read "the life sacrificed, mine" it makes me vomit in a "oh please" kind of way.
The second major stanza is superior to the first. I would suggest chrystalizng the images in the first, and taking them to their worst-case examples so the contrast between the first and second stanza is more pronounced.
A tale of two choices is interesting as a title, but you havnt made any real allusion to transformation in the poem so it's difficult to say it is alluding to "A Tale Of Two Cities" in any way but in the title.
I might would also stick with the animal imagery throughout the poem, but perhaps not start with dog as they don't necessarily have a strong negative connotation, but depending on your wording you could make it work.
Hi QDeathstar,
Thank you for the compliment to the second stanza. I tried to use descriptors to convey a rich, welcoming environment.
I find your comment about the dogs as imagery interesting, as I hadn't thought about it on a conscious level, though it can serve to convey a more animalistic, chaotic (if you will) approach to life.
The entire poem is an allusion to Tale of Two Cities, really, so I gave the title to clue the reader in to that.
Oppressor referring to the french government oppressing the people, and fear is the oppressor in that way, as in life.
The sacrifice of a life, and the choices to be made also allusions to Tale of Two Cities, as are the contrast between the two "cities" (the scenarios I describe) as the choices we can make in life.
I took your suggestion and offered that line as a question for the reader to consider.
Thanks again for the feedback.
(11-23-2017, 09:35 AM)nibbed Wrote: Hi, Persadia
I'm glad you wrote a poem about this. Weird I have been thinking a lot about an illustration I saw where a fella is riding in a train and when looking out one side of the train's windows, it was gloomy and sad. The bloke's face was sagging and depressed. Then it showed him looking out the other side of the train, the sun was shining, green leaves, birds, and rivers flowing. His face was bright and beaming in smiles. That's what your poem reminded me of, which side of the train do we want to sit on/look out?
Open the door, room crammed with furniture -opening the door, the room is crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond -people pack in,
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture -on and off
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. -can these next two lines form a couplet?
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings. -two warms?
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air. -plural on conversation might fit better
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Looking forward to seeing where you go with this clever poem that has a great potential to also serve as a helpful blessing to others.
-nibbed
Hi Nibbed,
Thanks for the feedback; I really appreciate that you understood the underlying message.
I took some of your suggestions, combining the two lines and finding other words to replace "warm".
Thanks again for the encouragement.
First revision:
Open the door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. Do I sacrifice a life?
Open the doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Original version:
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear.
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
I'm wondering if L6 posed as a question is more effective?
I appreciate all the feedback.
Everything's a metaphor
"People don't know what to do with you when you are not trying to assimilate" Gabrielle Union
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
(11-24-2017, 02:20 AM)Persadia Wrote: First revision:
Open the door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. Do I sacrifice a life?
Open the doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
You'll want to put this edit above the original version in the main post, or people may not see that you've made an edit and critique the wrong thing.
Also....I wouldn't say 'do I sacrifice a life,' when the context is a dinner gathering. Not trying to be funny, but it takes things in a cannibalistic direction for me.
It makes the reader search around too much for the meaning, and there are many options.
(11-23-2017, 08:06 AM)Persadia Wrote: 1st revision:
Open door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear. A life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is made.
Original:
Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
The oppressor, fear.
The life sacrificed, mine.
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
The choice is mine.
Hello Persadia... This will be my first attempted critique. What hits me hardest is the feeling of chaos and confusion created by the "rough reading". It is choppy repetitive simple familiar energetic and contrasting. I think that slight discomfort brings out the questioning element and tension of a choice to be made.
That single line divides the two very dramatically, almost too drastically, then the closing line and it really seems too final. Maybe leave the question less answered.
The relation of the two stanzas is what really made me think. The negative and positive conotation is perfectly suttle, the way the word choice and flow is consistent between the two masks the obvious emotion of each enough to force the question. Maybe remove the last line or make it more ambiguous. Also Im sure a huge portion is lost on myself being quite ignorant of your essential refrence in this piece....
Posts: 9
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2017
"Open door, a room crammed with furniture." I'm sorry to say that there is nothing poetic in this line, and it's the very first line. If it was the front door of a house, one would have turned his back and go elsewhere. Although not good at thinking for others, I will dare to say that something like this would have been preferable: 'free to enter, but no place to stay, so much woodwork around', indirectlly I picture what in my opinion you have in mind, writing what you wrote, or not. I repeat that I'm only trying to explain what I meant and not suggesting the exact wording, I'm sure you would have found abetter one if you wanted. You do this in:
"Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light." very well.
"Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies." That's good for advertising only. Do you need it.
|
