12-01-2017, 11:28 PM
Hey Keith
Really good work, enjoyed a lot (despite the erratic punctuation)
I wasn’t sure I'd remember the house,
an old photograph was all I had;
nice opening line, but L2 reads a bit oddly to me;
all I had was an old photograph ?
what I miss from these lines is the reason N is going to the house
(Also, if all N has is a photograph - which might give the house number -
where is the rest of the information contained in an 'address'?)
You could have a photograph with the address written on the back in
N's mother's hand for instance.
self-seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
like black and white combined with photograph.
Arthur’s shape opened the door
'shape' is really weak, especially considering
how strong this whole stanza is otherwise.
his face gouged like sculptors clay,
thin lines stretched over cheek bones
thumbed deep into eye sockets.
Given the title (which doesn't feature as
strongly as it might), would it work
if you went with something like;
Arthur's face appeared
in the darkness of the open doorway,
gouged like....
The meniscus of old age had bottled his vision
I'm getting cataracts (as it were)
but he still carried a whiskey gruffness
that reminded me of forgotten songs
and pearl inlays.
just because the line is so short, where were the pearl inlays?
(It does, I think need a third element, songs/inlays/ ? )
really strong stanza
Pyjamas protruded under his clothes
'protruded' (after pearl and pyjamas) is a bit intrusive I think.
You might consider something 'softer' to match the pyjama fabric.
as he moved towards his chair
touching each ledge like a child learning to walk;
I don't think you need the simile
(just continue the description a bit more)
stroke is such a gentle word.
Is it? Even with a hard 'k'?
Also, how does N (and therefore the reader) know
he's had a stroke. The speech that suggests this
hasn't appeared yet.
The room had held onto its memory,
Margaret and Jimmy
smiling behind a layer of dust
worn out and worn down,
do you need the second 'worn'?
family and furniture held in echoes.
Don't get 'echoes' - would get 'stasis' or 'amber'.
Another really good stanza.
He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
would suggest a line break after 'bursts'.
to make the sounds.
and perhaps reorder, as in
each exhaled breath
bent to make the sounds
though I don't think either 'bending' or 'the sounds' work well
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
wath
mi
baby
sithter ”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
perhaps name the dog rather than identify the breed?
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“Heths
fuckin
farthted
again”
I know I said,
and let go of his hand.
I don't think the last line reflects well on the narrator.
Why not end on 'I said'.
Best, Knot.
Really good work, enjoyed a lot (despite the erratic punctuation)
I wasn’t sure I'd remember the house,
an old photograph was all I had;
nice opening line, but L2 reads a bit oddly to me;
all I had was an old photograph ?
what I miss from these lines is the reason N is going to the house
(Also, if all N has is a photograph - which might give the house number -
where is the rest of the information contained in an 'address'?)
You could have a photograph with the address written on the back in
N's mother's hand for instance.
self-seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
like black and white combined with photograph.
Arthur’s shape opened the door
'shape' is really weak, especially considering
how strong this whole stanza is otherwise.
his face gouged like sculptors clay,
thin lines stretched over cheek bones
thumbed deep into eye sockets.
Given the title (which doesn't feature as
strongly as it might), would it work
if you went with something like;
Arthur's face appeared
in the darkness of the open doorway,
gouged like....
The meniscus of old age had bottled his vision
I'm getting cataracts (as it were)
but he still carried a whiskey gruffness
that reminded me of forgotten songs
and pearl inlays.
just because the line is so short, where were the pearl inlays?
(It does, I think need a third element, songs/inlays/ ? )
really strong stanza
Pyjamas protruded under his clothes
'protruded' (after pearl and pyjamas) is a bit intrusive I think.
You might consider something 'softer' to match the pyjama fabric.
as he moved towards his chair
touching each ledge like a child learning to walk;
I don't think you need the simile
(just continue the description a bit more)
stroke is such a gentle word.
Is it? Even with a hard 'k'?
Also, how does N (and therefore the reader) know
he's had a stroke. The speech that suggests this
hasn't appeared yet.
The room had held onto its memory,
Margaret and Jimmy
smiling behind a layer of dust
worn out and worn down,
do you need the second 'worn'?
family and furniture held in echoes.
Don't get 'echoes' - would get 'stasis' or 'amber'.
Another really good stanza.
He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
would suggest a line break after 'bursts'.
to make the sounds.
and perhaps reorder, as in
each exhaled breath
bent to make the sounds
though I don't think either 'bending' or 'the sounds' work well
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
wath
mi
baby
sithter ”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
perhaps name the dog rather than identify the breed?
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“Heths
fuckin
farthted
again”
I know I said,
and let go of his hand.
I don't think the last line reflects well on the narrator.
Why not end on 'I said'.
Best, Knot.