11-24-2017, 01:04 AM
Enjoyed this Mopkins,
good pacing and tone.
Downsides, the rhythm is erratic and repetition of words
like 'made' diminish the force of it.
The use of language isn'tas exciting as it might be.
And quite how 'chizzards' relate to 'lamas' is never really explained.
S1
...
in pixellated glory
with an explanatory story
perhaps 'its pixillated glory, explanatory story'
don't quite follow how N made a story like a 'mandala'
S2
then he made a comment
innocent and quite prophetic
and said something in passing
this (L3) seems to be just rephrasing the first line
S3
after chatting to him
in the forum about nothing
'nothing' after 'quite prophetic'?
S4
in a multiple mandala
that we burst with pride for
ending on 'for' looks forced for the rhyme
...
in the screenshot section
and in the art collection
repeating 'in the'- reads as rather dull.
with a little bit of lore
S5
...
now creativerse survivors
don't understand 'survivors' in the context.
Best, Knot
good pacing and tone.
Downsides, the rhythm is erratic and repetition of words
like 'made' diminish the force of it.
The use of language isn'tas exciting as it might be.
And quite how 'chizzards' relate to 'lamas' is never really explained.
S1
...
in pixellated glory
with an explanatory story
perhaps 'its pixillated glory, explanatory story'
don't quite follow how N made a story like a 'mandala'
S2
then he made a comment
innocent and quite prophetic
and said something in passing
this (L3) seems to be just rephrasing the first line
S3
after chatting to him
in the forum about nothing
'nothing' after 'quite prophetic'?
S4
in a multiple mandala
that we burst with pride for
ending on 'for' looks forced for the rhyme
...
in the screenshot section
and in the art collection
repeating 'in the'- reads as rather dull.
with a little bit of lore
S5
...
now creativerse survivors
don't understand 'survivors' in the context.
Best, Knot