10-28-2017, 02:25 AM
Hi ClaireLou,
certainly moving in the right direction, I think,
though to me this still feels a bit 'pillowy',
rather lacking in focus.
More as food for thought than critique - how about:
This was said to be simple,
[You'd think this would be simple]
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with [for] so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
You could end this here perhaps.
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
[? does not rise to the occasion?]
Fighting fabric that never fits,
Is it 'fighting fabric' or (failing to) force something into?
never [not] my idea for [of] a fun filled
Saturday morning.
[despite] The sun
streaming through the open window
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand[ing] change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering,
marshmellow moments
trying desperately to escape
this secluded space
they should call home.
too much alliteration here.
If feathers were fluttering, the surely the pillow has burst.
You could, I think, afford to lose the whole of this stanza, and go straight to
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
I think you need to elaborate on this 'satisfaction',
it would seem to be the point of the piece after all.
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?"
Clearly you're going for comedic, but I think you might achieve more with emphasising the
(almost) irrational sense of failure/frustration. There seems to be an theme of N failing at traditional 'home-maker' tasks, which if N is female could be argued as having have wider implications.
Best, Knot
certainly moving in the right direction, I think,
though to me this still feels a bit 'pillowy',
rather lacking in focus.
More as food for thought than critique - how about:
This was said to be simple,
[You'd think this would be simple]
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with [for] so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
You could end this here perhaps.
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
[? does not rise to the occasion?]
Fighting fabric that never fits,
Is it 'fighting fabric' or (failing to) force something into?
never [not] my idea for [of] a fun filled
Saturday morning.
[despite] The sun
streaming through the open window
as the ice cream van chimes
and children demand[ing] change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
feathers fluttering,
marshmellow moments
trying desperately to escape
this secluded space
they should call home.
too much alliteration here.
If feathers were fluttering, the surely the pillow has burst.
You could, I think, afford to lose the whole of this stanza, and go straight to
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
I think you need to elaborate on this 'satisfaction',
it would seem to be the point of the piece after all.
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
you inwardly scream
"is their a Doctor in the house?"
Clearly you're going for comedic, but I think you might achieve more with emphasising the
(almost) irrational sense of failure/frustration. There seems to be an theme of N failing at traditional 'home-maker' tasks, which if N is female could be argued as having have wider implications.
Best, Knot