10-20-2017, 01:23 AM
Hi ClaireLou
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning.
would suggest changing the second 'never' to 'not', 'for' to 'of'.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
nice verse, just not sure why it's here.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
I don't think this works, if your mind drifts,
then the pillow fitting frustration does not seem that overwhelming.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
It's a bit too much alliteration for me after the opening.
trying to fit this cat in the box
don't think box works, but if you're set on 'cat', why not 'cat in the sack'?
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
made me wonder whose buttons.
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.
Like the ideas in this verse, though if putting a pillow case on a pillow fits the criteria of 'high expectations' then....
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?"
Again, I like the idea here, that after all that effort all that is achieved is a pyrrhic victory,
(but having the pillow case scream, rather than you, doesn't work for me).
It seemed to me, after a couple of read throughs, that what was missing was how something as soft as a pillow is able to put up so much resistance. I wonder if your focus should be less on the pillowcase and more on the pillow. Not to mention the 'strange sense of satisfaction' you identify.
Best, Knot.
Fighting fabric that never fits,
never my idea for a fun filled Saturday morning.
would suggest changing the second 'never' to 'not', 'for' to 'of'.
The ice cream van chimes
as children demand change,
their X Box left unattended,
if only for a moment.
nice verse, just not sure why it's here.
The sun streaming through the window,
my mind drifts,
sand castles,
ice creams,
buried treasure.
I don't think this works, if your mind drifts,
then the pillow fitting frustration does not seem that overwhelming.
Tugging, twisting, turning,
It's a bit too much alliteration for me after the opening.
trying to fit this cat in the box
don't think box works, but if you're set on 'cat', why not 'cat in the sack'?
where it never wants to go.
Pulling at corners,
edges wriggling free
as buttons pop open,
made me wonder whose buttons.
escaping the space they should call home.
This was said to be simple,
but like a Mary Berry recipe
that offers so much with so little effort,
nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems
as the potatoes burn & the soufflé
is not as firm as we would like.
Damn these high expectations we set for ourselves.
Like the ideas in this verse, though if putting a pillow case on a pillow fits the criteria of 'high expectations' then....
Finally, the material slithers into position,
a strange sense of satisfaction
simply premature relief
as the realisation hits,
there has been a casualty of war,
torn at the seams
the pillow case screams
"is there a Doctor in the house?"
Again, I like the idea here, that after all that effort all that is achieved is a pyrrhic victory,
(but having the pillow case scream, rather than you, doesn't work for me).
It seemed to me, after a couple of read throughs, that what was missing was how something as soft as a pillow is able to put up so much resistance. I wonder if your focus should be less on the pillowcase and more on the pillow. Not to mention the 'strange sense of satisfaction' you identify.
Best, Knot.