A Constant Call to My Fall

[alonso ramoran]

A Constant Call to My Fall

Vapors drop
mace and chains, It's neat how you wrote about skies dropping, then go on in this line about mace and chains, which I don't know if you intended, creates a sort of white bear problem. I can just hear the chains. Pretty sweet.
whips and fire;
You'll wait
for my love letter,
that murky wedge 

between me & God.
I must confess,

I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing.



Delayed Response

Tortured so I'll see?
I prefer banners,
a stack of blank sheets
in one solid color
of I want to be over you.
Enjoy my wedgies. Funny line. This whole stanza has a certain swagger to it, with you preferring sheets and of which color.

This is pretty solid poem overall, it's great you added punctuation because the original seemed to just wander into nowhere. Maybe you should go back to this being one whole poem though, with the new stanza added. I don't see much differences in both parts; the final part just feels like a mere expansion of thought on the situation you were put into.





original

the sky falls
mace and chains
whips and fire
as you wait
for my love letter
your murky wedge
between me & God
I must confess
I see snakes
and worms
and hear
the sounds
of much hissing