Lost love

[Huckleberry]

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Huckleberry, few thoughts

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, Not a strong start
A candle without a wick; Interesting image. It's a shame you didn't expand on this. I find you presenting images throughout the poem that you just glaze over. This could've been your first line.
Go silently their way along, I read this as "Go silently along their way", but had to reread it because it was actually written weirdly.
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone? "Bygone" doesn't sound right.
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess, This sounds like it's starting a new poem to me.
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark This line and the line below reads awkwardly.
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

A problem I had when I first started writing poetry was that it was hard to write in the way I speak when I'm worried of the last syllable of a line rhyming with another. This resulted in me creating awkward sentences that were an eyesore for others to read. The same thing seems to be happening here; not only that, but you're glazing over images that I think would be pretty cool to expand on, like butterflies being lost in a desert. Those are my thoughts. Hope you end up with the edit you're happy with

[Youi]

Hey, the thought you put into the beauty of the poem is what I appreciated the most. Your intro drew me in and I liked it! 
Then I felt like you were trying too hard. Some of the complex words you chose felt forced. I think if you read through and highlighted the areas you think most strongly emphasize what you're saying, then you can condense and focus the poem. Make it shorter. I find that focus can strengthen it, and that less is more. 
Beautiful work. 
Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

[Huckleberry]

When you say "Interesting image. It's a shame you didn't expand on this. I find you presenting images throughout the poem that you just glaze over."

I am not sure to understand that concept; if imagery is used, either it works or it doesn't. If it works, it says what it needs to, if it doesn't, it should be out. In which case and why should it be expanded? If it needs to be expanded, why bother?

[Huckleberry]

Hey, the thought you put into the beauty of the poem is what I appreciated the most. Your intro drew me in and I liked it! 
Then I felt like you were trying too hard. Some of the complex words you chose felt forced. I think if you read through and highlighted the areas you think most strongly emphasize what you're saying, then you can condense and focus the poem. Make it shorter. I find that focus can strengthen it, and that less is more. 
Beautiful work. 
Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

Thanks Youi, you probably have a point (as much as I hate to admit it ) On the other hand, I thought the "breaking"  in the third stanza (however otherwise criticized for being too strong) would lose its effect if the first part was too short... Somehow there must be a way to sort it out...

[Todd]

Hi, Huckleberry

I'm having some real issues with how you're choosing to handle rhyme in the piece. The rhyme scheme seems inconsistent and all over the place, and in many places the rhymes seem forced. I mean that the content appears tacked on to simply and only accommodate the rhyme. Also, you sometimes abandon rhyming entirely. While you have the option to do all of those things, it doesn't add to the effectiveness of the poem in my opinion.

This is the basic forum so I'll leave it at that and forego doing any line-by-line critique. I would suggest looking for a more consistent pattern and also ask yourself if the content holds together on its own or is solely there to make the rhyme happen.

Best,

Todd

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

[alonso ramoran]

When you say "Interesting image. It's a shame you didn't expand on this. I find you presenting images throughout the poem that you just glaze over."

I am not sure to understand that concept; if imagery is used, either it works or it doesn't. If it works, it says what it needs to, if it doesn't, it should be out. In which case and why should it be expanded? If it needs to be expanded, why bother?

You're right on that. But with phrases like "knights defending the last turret" to be followed up with butterflies being lost in a desert, I feel like needs a little more context. This would give me, as the reader, a little more sense as to what is going on, instead of giving me a list of images.

[Huckleberry]

Hi Todd,

 
Very interesting, and to start with, let me just say that I fully agree with you in the most part. You might have noticed that this is a first post. Although I have been doing whatever it is I do for a while, I never posted anything before.
For the reasons you give and because (which you might think but did not say), I would not consider claiming it to be “poetry”. Additionally, not being a native English-speaker, I undoubtedly miss a lot of background which would be of great help; take this as a statement of fact, not an excuse.
I nevertheless got curious at how others would be receiving it: your post is exactly what I was seeking, adding new touches to my line of thinking.
Despite all this, I’ll keep playing with my little words, with neither pretention nor illusion; for no other reason than loving it; it sometimes gets a few things off my chest; posting is questionable inasmuch as the value is nearly all personal; I am not ruling out seeking to achieve what could be deemed as being poetry, but this is a long climb and another story…
Do not even think of getting in a line-by-line critique! I did make sure I was getting in the basic critique to avoid torturing anybody (including myself☺)
Very very much appreciated, thanks a million!

Huckleberry

Hi, Huckleberry

I'm having some real issues with how you're choosing to handle rhyme in the piece. The rhyme scheme seems inconsistent and all over the place, and in many places the rhymes seem forced. I mean that the content appears tacked on to simply and only accommodate the rhyme. Also, you sometimes abandon rhyming entirely. While you have the option to do all of those things, it doesn't add to the effectiveness of the poem in my opinion.

This is the basic forum so I'll leave it at that and forego doing any line-by-line critique. I would suggest looking for a more consistent pattern and also ask yourself if the content holds together on its own or is solely there to make the rhyme happen.

Best,

Todd

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret,
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

[ClaireLou]

Hi

I like rhyming poetry, something that flows with a beat & rolls off the tongue is fantastic, although I have found over the years that I am not as skilled at it as I thought I was at producing such works.

I've made a few comments below, don't take too much stock by them though, we all read poetry differently & that's part of the fun, you will never achieve something that is understood & enjoyed by all.  


Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, (Personally I like this line, it reminds me of tiptoeing through a forest, avoiding stepping on the twigs, not making a sound)
A candle without a wick; (This is probably me but because I got an initial image where I thought the first line was going, this line didn't actually fit with my perception)
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long. (I would probably put "Days so short, nights so long" & miss out the other words which I don't feel are necessary)
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick; (As the word "Night" is used above I would probably go more with "Stars too bright, life too thick;"
There are men who just never sleep. (I would probably remove the word "Just" simply to shorten the line to a more comfortable length)

Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret, (I don't know if I'm keen on the phrasing when using a singular "Knight", I would tend to steer towards "Knights" to improve flow)
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick, (As these two lines are a duplicate of those above I would just amend them again so that it follows through)
There are men who just never sleep.

There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star, (Oops as I've changed the above to read Stars too bright, if you decided to go with this I'd probably amend "a bright star" to a guiding light or something similar, just so that the continuity continues but not unnecessary duplication)
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar, (If you do change the word "Star" in the line above you may wish to peruse this & amend the line to something that fits more comfortably)
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die

[Huckleberry]

Hi Claire,

Some very interesting thoughts in your comments;
It is in fact a very loose rhyme, assonances in a lot of cases (blame it either on shortcomings, laziness, or both...) and a very loose structure, if any!

You are right, we all read it differently, but it sure is fascinating to be able to get somebody else's perception, and at times, it is so obvious when somebody else points out the flaws. But how on earth am I supposed to see things that are straight in from of my nose?

Many thanks for reading this and spending some time on it

Huckleberry

Hi

I like rhyming poetry, something that flows with a beat & rolls off the tongue is fantastic, although I have found over the years that I am not as skilled at it as I thought I was at producing such works.

I've made a few comments below, don't take too much stock by them though, we all read poetry differently & that's part of the fun, you will never achieve something that is understood & enjoyed by all.  


Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, (Personally I like this line, it reminds me of tiptoeing through a forest, avoiding stepping on the twigs, not making a sound)
A candle without a wick; (This is probably me but because I got an initial image where I thought the first line was going, this line didn't actually fit with my perception)
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long. (I would probably put "Days so short, nights so long" & miss out the other words which I don't feel are necessary)
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick; (As the word "Night" is used above I would probably go more with "Stars too bright, life too thick;"
There are men who just never sleep. (I would probably remove the word "Just" simply to shorten the line to a more comfortable length)

Their tearless eyes looking aghast,
Knight defending the last turret, (I don't know if I'm keen on the phrasing when using a singular "Knight", I would tend to steer towards "Knights" to improve flow)
Butterflies lost in the desert,
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,
Its nights too bright, its life so thick, (As these two lines are a duplicate of those above I would just amend them again so that it follows through)
There are men who just never sleep.

There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star, (Oops as I've changed the above to read Stars too bright, if you decided to go with this I'd probably amend "a bright star" to a guiding light or something similar, just so that the continuity continues but not unnecessary duplication)
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar, (If you do change the word "Star" in the line above you may wish to peruse this & amend the line to something that fits more comfortably)
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die

[Psychofemale]

The rhyme flow was much smoother in the third stanza than the others. I'm not sure why, I like what you were saying but the flow could be a little easier to read in the beginning. I'll come back to this one for sure.

[GrassRoots77]

Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick, What kind of stick? Give more detail unless you are trying to keep the reader guessing.
A candle without a wick;
Go silently their way along, Who? and maybe switch "way along" to "along the way"
Days are so short, nights are so long. Add a comma instead of a period 
Does it matter when hope is gone Add a question mark
For those willing to be bygone? In my opinion take out this line
Nights are too bright, life is too thick; Add color how bright? A neon yellow or a dull yellow?
There are men who just never sleep. Add women as well or just say people.
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast, Their tearless desert like eyes looking aghast.
Knight defending the last turret, 
Butterflies lost in the desert, I like this cause you normally wouldn't put butterflies and desert together.
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean, Again add detail. Is it calm, dangerous, blue or black clear or murky.
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,
There are men who just never sleep. Good use of repetition.
 
There once was a mighty princess, Seems like this whole stanza doesn't belong.
An Eldorado, a bright star, A shining star
Her orbit turned them to ageless,
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,  
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.

[nibbed]

Hi, Huckleberry. The poem seems to relate a lot of truth,
glimmers only at hope, seeming very sad, too.


Don’t make a noise, don’t break a stick,
A candle without a wick;                                           the meter is off here, but the message seems clear.
Go silently their way along,
Days are so short, nights are so long.
Does it matter when hope is gone
For those willing to be bygone?
Nights are too bright, life is too thick;
There are men who just never sleep.                     I am thinking "there will always be men who never sleep"
 
Their tearless eyes looking aghast,                         maybe just "look" or "looked"
Knight defending the last turret,                             These 3 lines describing sorts is really good.
Butterflies lost in the desert,                                     
Princes of ephemeral past,
They freeze at the Lilliputian
Miserly sight of the ocean,                                         How could this be?! <3
Its nights too bright, its life so thick,                         It's
There are men who just never sleep.
 
There once was a mighty princess,
An Eldorado, a bright star,                                            I smiled and thought to change the last O in eldorado to an a making it an A, eldorada hahaha
Her orbit turned them to ageless,                               don't know why, silly thought.
A wreck, a nothing, a sandbar,
A light house that in the dark
Dreams of sailing home the lost ark.                          I love this line.
Nights are too bright, life is a blight;
There are men just waiting to die.                              this line is very sad.


I wasn't sure about the repetition of the last line on each stanza and considered it might make a good title, but...I think the poem is being hard on someone, perhaps the speaker, or someone else. I thought about "lost (your first) love" from the book of  Revelation, because it mentioned a candle without the wick. The line "dreams of sailing home the lost ark" was fabulous and it sprung out at me as something victorious. I could imagine a poem written from that one line alone. It makes me want to google earth Mt Ararat. I thought often while reading this of the Holy Spirit and how I wonder when and why He moves. Sorry if I offered too much.

Have a blessed day.

nibbed