Death Mask

[Achebe]

I wasn’t sure I would remember the house ... I find the poem to be wordy and lacking rhythm. Apart from the 'I'd', I'd suggest using enjambment more and end stopped lines less
an old photograph was all I had, .....'photograph' is a strong line-ending word
self seeded plants softened the cracks ....the alliteration is distracting
but the driveway was still black and white. 


Arthur’s skeleton opened the door,
his face gouged like sculptors clay ..'its'?
thin lines under cheek bones ..'thumbed deep' here and enjambing?
thumbed deep into eye sockets.

The meniscus of old age bottled his vision ..'meniscus' has too many syllables here
but he still had a Whiskey gruffness
that reminded me of forgotten songs
and pearl inlays.

Pyjamas protruded from under his clothes ...too many 'his's and 'he's by this point. Also, the alliteration distracts
as he moved around the room to fall fireside,
touching each ledge like a child learning to walk, ..nice simile
stroke is such a gentle word.
The room had kept hold of its memory,
veneered in dust and damp that crept out of the carpet
slowly making it hard to see, hard to remember.

He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
to make the sounds.
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
was
my
baby
sister” ....nice arrangement
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“He’s
fuckin
farted
again”
I know I said,
and let go of his hand. ... I like the additional character of the dog that you've introduced. Helps the storytelling.

Thanks for posting