02-01-2017, 12:20 PM
(10-09-2016, 11:25 PM)RC James Wrote: A crow took flight in silence,
the absence of caws, cause for
full quasi treatment. This first stanza refers not only to the crow's taking off but also it's continuing flight, its disappearance "into mystery's jaws", so present tense instead. Also, not sure about "quasi".
Viewed by the flock elders
as a black block among them, Not sure about "block". But my lack of sureness regarding both terms is more a personal thing than anything.
he was given wide distance
because of his flaws.
He was breaking flock laws.
Look, as the crow disappears Comma unnecessary, I think.
into mystery´s jaws
that linger and give
everyone involved strong pause. At this point the rhyme grates. Better reserve it for the later breakthrough -- remove "that linger....pause."
The sky composes itself
through that pin prick
of the vanishing crow, I don't think this line is needed. "through the pin prick" is clear enough.
violating all cosmic crow saws. I would think "laws", but then the earlier lines. Is "saw" used commonly like this? I wouldn't think so, but then I'm technically not a native English speaker, and I am surrounded by those who definitely aren't. Somehow, though, this reads redundant, considering those lines I just referred to -- you could just as easily remove this,
Angry, thieving, but flock faithful, then glue that together with this stanza. Not sure if "thieving" works in this context, nor even "angry", and "flock faithful" doesn't sound right.
he´ll return with solutions;
this side of the sky draws him. The speaker doesn't seem to have a position in relation to the scene, such that "this" is unwarranted -- so far the image is viewed from where the crow came from, such that it would be better "that" instead.
Carrying the cure in his beak Comma at the end, I think.
he’s unable to caw, though he aches
to announce his return.
The flock, seeing him
without hearing caws, shun him
and fill the air with multiple cause, Very unsure about "multiple cause". I see no causes other than the silence, here, and better to reserve the rhyme for those last three lines, at this point it sounds abused.
molesting the air in full flutter,
more like vengeful macaws Macaws could be vengeful? I would never have thought so -- or is this an invention for the sake of rhyme? Though invention or not, it works, I think. Though a problem maybe that if they're to shun him, then shouldn't they take no actions at all, or at least set up in more passive ways their barrier? "molesting the air in full flutter" may have too much energy behind it -- rather, "shun him" is too passive.
than a murder of crows
with acute claws. I do like the contrast between the violently worded, not nearly as violent image of "a murder of crows" versus the more violent image, but more seemingly innocent "vengeful macaws". Not too sure about "acute claws", though, since to my mind "acute claws" sort of robs from that twist, "acute claws" tying actual violence to the crows.
Rough, but with a bit of polish, lovely.

