Death Mask

[ellajam]

Hi, Keith, heartbreaking. Some notes below.

I wasn’t sure I would remember the house
an old photograph was all I had,
self seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
I'm missing the comma after house, then you could semicolon at the end of L2 if you want.
I like the feeling of of the familiar/unknown here.

Arthur’s skeleton opened the door,
his face gouged like sculptors clay
thin lines under cheek bones
thumbed deep into eye sockets.
Again, maybe a semicolon after clay, it needs something.
This works for me too, maybe something other than "under", blanketed, masked, something better.


The meniscus of old age bottled his vision
but he still had a Whiskey gruffness
that reminded me of forgotten songs
and pearl inlays.
I'm not sure why Whiskey is upper case, but lovely lines, I'm not sure about the but opening that line.

Pyjamas protruded from under his clothes Love this, great image.
as he moved around the room to fall fireside, I'm unsure about "fall fireside".
touching each ledge like a child learning to walk,
stroke is such a gentle word. Beautiful.
The room had kept hold of its memory,
veneered in dust and damp that crept out of the carpet
slowly making it hard to see, hard to remember.
While these last three lines are sound, I'm not sure you need them, indeed, it would be shocking if the place was anything other.

He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
to make the sounds.
he told me how much he missed my mother.
“She
was
my
baby
sister”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“He’s
fuckin
farted
again”
I know I said,
and let go of his hand.
I like the formatting here, it slows and forces the words imitating his speech and expressing the effort it took. I like the hint of a wry smile, or wrinkled nose, at the end.

This touched me, thanks for the read.