Death Mask

[Keith]

There's enough ambiguity here that one has to read it a time or three to see if it is real or if this is just happening in the speaker's mind. It is a good use of ambiguity as it forces the reader to pull in the essence of what is going on.

One part that does not work is the single word per line usage, I have nothing better to offer though.

I really liked "a Whiskey gruffness that reminded me of forgotten songs and pearl inlays."

All in all this is a nice sketch, what is problematic is there is nothing in the poem that makes the read care about it. There is that, which draws the reader in because he wants to find out what is going own, but beyond that there is nothing. The poem is sterile. For myself I would describe it as cute macabre. As such it is neither fish nor fowl, though one could say it is somewhat foul. Aristotle said that to succeed in a comedy one needs some amount of drama and for drama some amount of comedy. This poem seems to have reached the balancing point of fifty-fifty.  

Best,


dale

Thanks for the considered feedback Dale, it is always good to know what works and what doesn't, I was disappointed that the single words don't work because like you I have no were else to go with that. Without connection sterility is inevitable so I will have a think on that score. Best Keith