Sweat -- edit 2

[Achebe]

Fixed at the window, I wondered ..... you have replaced 'started to sweat' with the abstract 'wondered'
if my son would come home safe. ..... you were sweating for your son etc now you're just "wondering if" your son would come home safe. You wouldn't "wonder if"- you'd either not think about it or if you did, you'd be genuinely worried.
For a moment, my bowels forgot .... not "iced",just "moment"? Not a fail, but not terribly exciting.
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
crispy like the chicken he peddled, .... again, the minor detail of "skin" gone.  "Frying crisp" on its own is bland (no pun)
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

edit 1.


Today I started to sweat, still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

original



Today I started to sweat still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
A terrible moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in previous lives.

Hi Lizzie - I think in an attempt to be concise you've stripped the poem of important detail. Now it reads like a fairly mundane journal entry. I think edit 1 was the best of the lot. Todd felt otherwise so ultimately you'll realise that you'll end up making someone or the other unhappy and it better not be Jack Gracy.