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Me and you
I'd like to offer some advice,
but you're looking very nice;
I wouldn't want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
-----------------------------------
(non-gendered version)
I'd like to offer some advice,
but I'd not want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
erthona
©2016
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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I think you could either drop the comma after "us" or add one after "head".
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Truly loved the concept/phrase: "the us in my head"
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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Pithy and witty.
(11-18-2016, 08:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: Me and you
I'd like to offer some advice,
but you're looking very nice;.........do you need this line? It offers a gender relationship point of view, whereas the poem
could be read in a more general way.
I wouldn't want to offend
and bring the us,
in my head
to an end.
erthona
©2016
just mercedes
Unregistered
I like this, but I wonder what the 'looking very nice' has to do with advice. Apart from a great rhyme. I too like 'the us in my head', agree with ella about the comma.
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Sparkydashforth,
I like your suggestion, but it is meant to be a gender slanted poem, that is to say it is making a comment about the male gender. However it would make a nice poem (and probably stronger)without gender, such as:
I'd like to offer some advice,
but I'd not want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
However as both rely upon the same device, there cannot be two poems. Still, I've decided to put both up for evaluation.
El, Mercedes, offending comma removed. Merc, see the second version as the second line has been removed.
Thanks Ray, I grieve with you over your recent loss. I guess no more games of spades for awhile, eh?
best and thanks for all suggestions and appraisals,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Not liking the second line of the orig as much -- find the shorter version better. Maybe try and reflect the gender slant with the title, instead?
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Thanks for the comments RN.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 580
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(11-18-2016, 08:22 PM)Erthona Wrote: Me and you
I'd like to offer some advice,
but you're looking very nice;
I wouldn't want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
-----------------------------------
(non-gendered version)
I'd like to offer some advice,
but I'd not want to offend
and bring the us
in my head
to an end.
erthona
©2016
Would it be better with 'don't' instead of 'wouldn't' ?
Just fits the line better metre wise I think...
Nice
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Achebe,
It would certainly smooth the line. I had "wouldn't" there for the alliteration, but it is more clumsy.
Thanks,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
