02-28-2016, 04:49 AM
As this is not an ELH anyway except in terms of the syllable count (there is no seasonal word), "grazes" is much more descriptive of a herbivore, feed is more akin to a meat eater. Disregarding the syllable count you could then include the much needed "his" in the last line. These two changes vastly improves the poem and who really gives a damn about the syllable count, especially as this is not going to be a haiku regardless.
dale
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.