09-02-2015, 04:24 PM
Hello all!
Very sorry I haven't responded to the critiques on this one, I've been sick and honestly forgot about checking back up on it.
Punctuation seems to be the resounding theme here, so I will sniff out a way to make it work.
"Punctuation-lite" (as Matt put it) is a pervasive "style" (I know calling it a "style" will piss off more than a few of you) in a lot of my poetry and for my finished pieces written in that way, I wholeheartedly believe it works. It's not shortcutting; it really adds something to the delivery and reception of those poems.
But this one ain't finished. And obviously, "punctuation-lite" isn't working for it. All the critiques here are invaluable because they give such a good perspective on how the work is being read, so I really appreciate everybody's input. For now though, it's back to the drawing board on "From The Tappan Zee". I'm not quitting on it, it'll just be a while 'til I put up another edit.
I'm in the creative throws of a separate thread of poetic inspiration/impulse. I'll revisit when it chews me up and spits me out. Here are some short individual responses
WJames: I'm glad the poem had you interested enough to look up the Tappan Zee. That's part of what I was hoping for out of this piece, to inspire a little inquiry if the reader was unfamiliar with the bridge. Also glad to know the idea came across to you on the meaning of the poem, though upon rereading I saw you wrote 'landmark'. The idea was more about avoiding New York, becoming disillusioned with it in driving by so many times on the bridge, knowing it's just a temptress, "a siren with a cigarette". If this is not what you had in mind then I'll have to articulate better in the piece as well as tighten the punctuation. Thanks!
Matt: I appreciate the idea on how to rework, will definitely be putting that into use. Also, glad you enjoyed the personification. I think part of the idea in doing that was to extenuate that this is a personal relationship and the narrator takes the deceit of the city personally. Don't know if that came across well, but I thought it was a good subtle implication. Happy to hear my imagery resonated (always am) and I will keep your other suggestions in mind.
John: As I said before, I will definitely work on the punctuation. I totally understand and agree on making the way its read definite in order to pack the most punch. Glad the mood was set right and the imagery was meaningful.
Fluorescent43: Will definitely be going forward on this so no worries! Also, I hate soggy pudding and I don't wanna write soggy pudding, so I will tighten up the punctuation for sure. Also, why do you dislike "she ascended with exhaust"? I thought it fit quite well with the image of the city, like the city wasn't raised right. It was raised with car fumes and cigarette smoke. That was what I was going for, just thoughts. All in all, I appreciate the critique.
Ellajam: I'm very glad you wrote about the reasoning behind it being a "god damned" city. There should be more explanation, but I did like that opening line into it, so I will probably fit the reasoning in after. Also, I really am happy you said the siren line was beautiful- that is my favorite part about this poem so it meant a lot. Happy to leave you inspired to write something, thanks for the critique.
Many thanks and I appreciate everything guys,
Cousin
Very sorry I haven't responded to the critiques on this one, I've been sick and honestly forgot about checking back up on it.
Punctuation seems to be the resounding theme here, so I will sniff out a way to make it work.
"Punctuation-lite" (as Matt put it) is a pervasive "style" (I know calling it a "style" will piss off more than a few of you) in a lot of my poetry and for my finished pieces written in that way, I wholeheartedly believe it works. It's not shortcutting; it really adds something to the delivery and reception of those poems.
But this one ain't finished. And obviously, "punctuation-lite" isn't working for it. All the critiques here are invaluable because they give such a good perspective on how the work is being read, so I really appreciate everybody's input. For now though, it's back to the drawing board on "From The Tappan Zee". I'm not quitting on it, it'll just be a while 'til I put up another edit.
I'm in the creative throws of a separate thread of poetic inspiration/impulse. I'll revisit when it chews me up and spits me out. Here are some short individual responses
WJames: I'm glad the poem had you interested enough to look up the Tappan Zee. That's part of what I was hoping for out of this piece, to inspire a little inquiry if the reader was unfamiliar with the bridge. Also glad to know the idea came across to you on the meaning of the poem, though upon rereading I saw you wrote 'landmark'. The idea was more about avoiding New York, becoming disillusioned with it in driving by so many times on the bridge, knowing it's just a temptress, "a siren with a cigarette". If this is not what you had in mind then I'll have to articulate better in the piece as well as tighten the punctuation. Thanks!
Matt: I appreciate the idea on how to rework, will definitely be putting that into use. Also, glad you enjoyed the personification. I think part of the idea in doing that was to extenuate that this is a personal relationship and the narrator takes the deceit of the city personally. Don't know if that came across well, but I thought it was a good subtle implication. Happy to hear my imagery resonated (always am) and I will keep your other suggestions in mind.
John: As I said before, I will definitely work on the punctuation. I totally understand and agree on making the way its read definite in order to pack the most punch. Glad the mood was set right and the imagery was meaningful.
Fluorescent43: Will definitely be going forward on this so no worries! Also, I hate soggy pudding and I don't wanna write soggy pudding, so I will tighten up the punctuation for sure. Also, why do you dislike "she ascended with exhaust"? I thought it fit quite well with the image of the city, like the city wasn't raised right. It was raised with car fumes and cigarette smoke. That was what I was going for, just thoughts. All in all, I appreciate the critique.
Ellajam: I'm very glad you wrote about the reasoning behind it being a "god damned" city. There should be more explanation, but I did like that opening line into it, so I will probably fit the reasoning in after. Also, I really am happy you said the siren line was beautiful- that is my favorite part about this poem so it meant a lot. Happy to leave you inspired to write something, thanks for the critique.
Many thanks and I appreciate everything guys,
Cousin