Aunty Had a Stroke

[Sparkydashforth]

Her body slipped sideways
Stayed there

She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem
Through a storm drain

Never complained
Nor did she forgive

She plowed her mind
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks

Burning rubber all the way

[kolemath]

Her body slipped sideways
Stayed there not sure about all the capitalization but i guess that's preference. something about typeface i once read a poet complain

She gurgled as if she were this line break works for me
Reciting a love poem why love poem? i love 'poem... through a storm drain' in any case
Through a storm drain

Never complained
Nor did she forgive you could cut here. 'nor forgave'

She plowed her mind
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks a strange image of electrocution i'm not sure fits the image?

Burning rubber all the way good closing line

[Missy]

Hello,

I really liked this idea and poem. Your words captured my imagination in a strange way, and I think that's what all poets strive for. So good job C: I'll go over some lines I think can be improved, if you want.



Her body slipped sideways <----- I think you should put some punctuation here, like a period after the first and second line. It makes it more
                                               final and sharp to say "stayed there." with a period. Also I think it would sound more interesting if
                                               you didn't say "her" but just said "Body slipped sideways./Stayed there. Makes it impersonal. You could do
                                               that throughout the poem too as a feature.
Stayed there

She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem <-------- I thought this was a great line, a love poem through a storm drain, the image is perfect. Maybe remove the
                                           line "she were" so it reads "she gurgled as if/reciting a love poem/through a storm drain.
Through a storm drain

Never complained <------ I'm not sure what these two lines do, also I would choose a different word other than "forgive" because it doesn't
                                    make much sense to me and is also very vague.
Nor did she forgive

She plowed her mind <------- this stanza I wasn't really sure what it had to do with the stroke, it proved a great image, but maybe rework
                                          this stanza to fit in more with what you are trying to say, because I was very confused by these lines.
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks

Burning rubber all the way

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you can improve it to make it even better C: good job

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks for the thoughts kolemath,
I may well make the cut you suggest.
Good FB

Her body slipped sideways
Stayed there not sure about all the capitalization but i guess that's preference. something about typeface i once read a poet complain

She gurgled as if she were this line break works for me
Reciting a love poem why love poem? i love 'poem... through a storm drain' in any case
Through a storm drain

Never complained
Nor did she forgive you could cut here. 'nor forgave'

She plowed her mind
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks a strange image of electrocution i'm not sure fits the image?

Burning rubber all the way good closing line

---

Thanks for taking a look Missy,

I get tired of punctuation in poetry - at least for some poetry,
but I take your point.

Aunty never complained, nor forgave because she was a bad ass.

Great feedback

Hello,

I really liked this idea and poem. Your words captured my imagination in a strange way, and I think that's what all poets strive for. So good job C: I'll go over some lines I think can be improved, if you want.



Her body slipped sideways <----- I think you should put some punctuation here, like a period after the first and second line. It makes it more
                                               final and sharp to say "stayed there." with a period. Also I think it would sound more interesting if
                                               you didn't say "her" but just said "Body slipped sideways./Stayed there. Makes it impersonal. You could do
                                               that throughout the poem too as a feature.
Stayed there

She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem <-------- I thought this was a great line, a love poem through a storm drain, the image is perfect. Maybe remove the
                                           line "she were" so it reads "she gurgled as if/reciting a love poem/through a storm drain.
Through a storm drain

Never complained <------ I'm not sure what these two lines do, also I would choose a different word other than "forgive" because it doesn't
                                    make much sense to me and is also very vague.
Nor did she forgive

She plowed her mind <------- this stanza I wasn't really sure what it had to do with the stroke, it proved a great image, but maybe rework
                                          this stanza to fit in more with what you are trying to say, because I was very confused by these lines.
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks

Burning rubber all the way

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem, and I think you can improve it to make it even better C: good job

[RiverNotch]

Both the lack of punctuation and the first line capitalization don't help. The thoughts and emotions in this, I feel, would be better defined by punctuation, and modernity of the sort never hurt anyone. Right now, though, it's a little unfocused -- I can't really take it seriously without playing with it altered. And so:

Her body slipped sideways -- The em dash here makes it breathless -- a period would produce a thud. But nothing, and the image just slides clumsily into the next.
stayed there.

She gurgled as if she were
reciting a love poem
through a storm drain -- I've no real love for these three lines -- all the meat could be compressed into two, even one line, and there's a certain vanity to "reciting a love poem" that feels inappropriate to the piece. Also, if you keep the next lines as fragments, instead of a full stop, perhaps an em dash, but I've altered the next.

never complained,
nor did she forgive. I think the lack of parallelism here damages the presentation. A certain tone is developed by the parallelism that just makes the whole thing thud, makes it seem more matter-of-the-whole-truth instead of an awkward mix of facts. I'd prefer "never complained, / never forgave."

She plowed her mind The first thing I thought of here was agriculture -- plowed the mind, sowed seeds of thought. But burning rubber makes it clear that this is supposed to be about vehicles, so it doesn't really work -- something else, perhaps.
ahead of her wheelchair,
gray hair electrified But then this breaks the car metaphor. 
with aftershocks This too. Well, what a hodgepodge -- for these last two stanzas, you really need to compress.

burning rubber all the way. And this just sounds like a shot into some weird granny road trip movie, instead of the sort of outward movement your tone here seems to want. Again, need to reword, to compress.

Eh, this was kind of a fplumpf for me. Not visceral or delicate or intricate enough to really evoke a reaction from me, especially with the punctuation-capitalization exuding a certain lack of professionalism. 

[Sparkydashforth]

Hey RiverNotch,

I just saw your review of this. Thanks for taking a look.

Some would consider your remarks as just an egoistic display of pretentious bullshit,

but not me, I am grateful to be guided by your professional insights.

Cheers

Both the lack of punctuation and the first line capitalization don't help. The thoughts and emotions in this, I feel, would be better defined by punctuation, and modernity of the sort never hurt anyone. Right now, though, it's a little unfocused -- I can't really take it seriously without playing with it altered. And so:

Her body slipped sideways -- The em dash here makes it breathless -- a period would produce a thud. But nothing, and the image just slides clumsily into the next.
stayed there.

She gurgled as if she were
reciting a love poem
through a storm drain -- I've no real love for these three lines -- all the meat could be compressed into two, even one line, and there's a certain vanity to "reciting a love poem" that feels inappropriate to the piece. Also, if you keep the next lines as fragments, instead of a full stop, perhaps an em dash, but I've altered the next.

never complained,
nor did she forgive. I think the lack of parallelism here damages the presentation. A certain tone is developed by the parallelism that just makes the whole thing thud, makes it seem more matter-of-the-whole-truth instead of an awkward mix of facts. I'd prefer "never complained, / never forgave."

She plowed her mind The first thing I thought of here was agriculture -- plowed the mind, sowed seeds of thought. But burning rubber makes it clear that this is supposed to be about vehicles, so it doesn't really work -- something else, perhaps.
ahead of her wheelchair,
gray hair electrified But then this breaks the car metaphor. 
with aftershocks This too. Well, what a hodgepodge -- for these last two stanzas, you really need to compress.

burning rubber all the way. And this just sounds like a shot into some weird granny road trip movie, instead of the sort of outward movement your tone here seems to want. Again, need to reword, to compress.

Eh, this was kind of a fplumpf for me. Not visceral or delicate or intricate enough to really evoke a reaction from me, especially with the punctuation-capitalization exuding a certain lack of professionalism. 

[Achebe]

Her body slipped sideways
Stayed there

She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem
Through a storm drain

Never complained
Nor did she forgive

She plowed her mind
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks

Burning rubber all the way

The poem begins on an interesting, even arresting note. A love poem through a storm drain is original. Mi piace.
Never complained - I found this one odd. It's not banal enough to be poetic. Just sits there.
My issue is that in a poem of this sort we expect some sort of epiphany at the end, something to make you go "a-ha" but instead this comes across as just a weak attempt at some sort of irony.

On the plus side, the opening bit still has a touch of class.

[Sparkydashforth]

Thanks Achebe,

I've had some good feedback on this, and I agree that last line must go, and possibly more.
I'm going to rework it for sure.


L'chaim!

Her body slipped sideways
Stayed there

She gurgled as if she were
Reciting a love poem
Through a storm drain

Never complained
Nor did she forgive

She plowed her mind
Ahead of her wheelchair
Gray hair electrified
With aftershocks

Burning rubber all the way

The poem begins on an interesting, even arresting note. A love poem through a storm drain is original. Mi piace.
Never complained - I found this one odd. It's not banal enough to be poetic. Just sits there.
My issue is that in a poem of this sort we expect some sort of epiphany at the end, something to make you go "a-ha" but instead this comes across as just a weak attempt at some sort of irony.

On the plus side, the opening bit still has a touch of class.