From The Tappan Zee

[ellajam]

Hi, Cuz. Tappen Zee is lovely on the tongue and a glorious site, makes me want to write a very different poem than this one. Your opening line establishes hostility immediately and with "sometimes" and "after a while" gives a possible cause of a loathed commute but for the city to be god damned I'd like a stronger basis for the discontent. I also think a change to something like

She stabs
straight out of the water,
ascends in exhaust.

would support the beautiful siren line better.

I think you could get more out of the last line, it indicates a focus on the negative but I'd love to see a bit of what you used to see from the side and whether or not you miss it.

Thanks for the read and the inspiration, good luck with it.

FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE

It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city
you can hardly see her through the fog
and sometimes you don’t, or never do
it depends on how often you’ve crossed
but she looks like she stabs straight
out of the water
like she ascended with exhaust
she’s a siren with a cigarette
I know
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before
after a while, I quit looking to the side

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Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.