From The Tappan Zee

[fluorescent.43]

FROM THE TAPPAN ZEE

It’s a dismal shot to that god damn city[-]   looking forward to see how this goddamn city is so damned. interesting opener, but you really do need to punctuate your lines. a dash at the end of this would work well, i think.
you can hardly see her through the fog[.]   perhaps that's why your city is so damned. it's just too damn foggy. i like this line... maybe end it on a period.
(and sometimes you [just] don’t), or never do   like what you're trying to say but 'or never do' totally contradicts l2. i say this line would do well in parentheses, but that's just personal opinion.
it[It] depends on how often you’ve crossed [this bridge to heaven,]   crossed what? 'the bridge' seems to fit but very vague here. if you do mean bridge make sure to specify where to. comma to end?
but she looks like she [danced?] stabs straight
out of the water[.] believe me, you can't stab out of something. in addition, the present-tense verb 'stab' doesn't make sense. past-tense?
like she ascended with exhaust these three lines lost me. sound pretty, but make no sense to me. also, punctuate these lines!!!
she's[She's] a siren with a cigarette i feel like this line is supposed to have an impact on me, but it doesn't. there's no expansion on this siren-with-a-cigarette thing. it makes for a bad transition to the next line.
I know[,]
‘cause I’ve crossed that bridge before[.] and there it is! the bridge. end this on a period.
after [After] a while, I quit looking to the side[.] ah. i like this line. to me, it implies the bridge is in/near the city, and your magical girl is somewhere in it.

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Very new and very short one. Looking to go further with it. As usual, beat it up.
Thanks.

i really hope you go further with this one. personally, i think it has a lot of potential, but you really do need to fix your punctuation at the end of your lines. otherwise the lines sound jumbled together and aesthetically, it reads like soggy pudding. combined with erratic capitalization, it comes off as a bit all-over-the-place. i made a few changes to the poem above, but those are just my suggestions and feel free to ignore them.

anyways, the overall content of this poem is vague. i see a foggy city and a girl and a bridge and dark water, but not much else. you have some distinct imagery (disregarding the 'like she's ascended with exhaust' line-- please, please fix/remove that) that form an interesting picture, but to me there's no action going on.

i always think it's a good idea to really think of what you want to say. or the story you want to tell. and tell that story in a concise, consistent way-- whichever way that will best enhance your story.

but as it is, it's already pretty good. good luck if you intend to edit! hopefully i gave you some food for thought.

43.