08-21-2015, 01:19 PM
First, I think you need to decide whether or not you’re going to use punctuation at all. This poem exemplifies what my colleagues refer to as “punctuation-lite.” Try creating multiple versions with both perfect punctuation and no punctuation at all. This will allow you to play with pacing without drawing attention to the punctuation marks you used. I believe this piece would function well with no punctuation at all, but that will ultimately be your decision.
The first line did a good job drawing me in. Reading your poem made me want to research the bridge in question, which is always a wonderful outcome.
I think it’s interesting that you use personification here, rather than concrete imagery to make the reader understand the Tappan Zee. I feel as though some writers would fall into the trap of thinking that’s the only way one could do it, and I’m glad you didn’t. The fog/straight out of water/exhaust/cigarette images you made through this technique resonate with me.
This may be nitpicky, but I’m uncertain that you need “I know, ‘cause” in the poem at all. running cigarette to crossing makes the siren idea more robust in my mind. I also wonder if it wouldn’t sound better without “after a while.”
The first line did a good job drawing me in. Reading your poem made me want to research the bridge in question, which is always a wonderful outcome.
I think it’s interesting that you use personification here, rather than concrete imagery to make the reader understand the Tappan Zee. I feel as though some writers would fall into the trap of thinking that’s the only way one could do it, and I’m glad you didn’t. The fog/straight out of water/exhaust/cigarette images you made through this technique resonate with me.
This may be nitpicky, but I’m uncertain that you need “I know, ‘cause” in the poem at all. running cigarette to crossing makes the siren idea more robust in my mind. I also wonder if it wouldn’t sound better without “after a while.”