07-24-2015, 10:20 PM
Hello Pen-
Since this is in NOVICE, I'll try to go easy;
Nowhere in this poem do you show any inner attribute of "your lady". All of the observations are from a distance. This leads me to believe that "your lady" is not real person at all, but merely a construct of your imagination.
It seems that you are describing a statue. The adoration reads like puppy love, or a crush. Whether fictitious or not, "your lady" would become more human if there was any interaction.
Please bring real characteristics to "your lady" and try some interaction. A superficial treatment like this requires much more depth. I've known several knee-buckling, drop-dead, gorgeous woman in my life, and all of them (all of them) are 100% human on the inside. Many are disarmingly intelligent and wiity, to boot.
With this piece I sense a mild form of stalking, and ..... (this is where I need to stop)..
... Mark
Since this is in NOVICE, I'll try to go easy;
Nowhere in this poem do you show any inner attribute of "your lady". All of the observations are from a distance. This leads me to believe that "your lady" is not real person at all, but merely a construct of your imagination.
It seems that you are describing a statue. The adoration reads like puppy love, or a crush. Whether fictitious or not, "your lady" would become more human if there was any interaction.
Please bring real characteristics to "your lady" and try some interaction. A superficial treatment like this requires much more depth. I've known several knee-buckling, drop-dead, gorgeous woman in my life, and all of them (all of them) are 100% human on the inside. Many are disarmingly intelligent and wiity, to boot.
With this piece I sense a mild form of stalking, and ..... (this is where I need to stop)..
... Mark