Bridges (Refined #1)

[peacejazzspirit]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge.
The other side a mystery
Until you dare to venture forth.

A presence of those past lingers,
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there.
Curiosity beckons you forward; you decide to follow.

You take the first step, a cautious one,
Bearing your weight carefully;
The strongest things can give.
Will this be one of them?

Original:

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia?
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across

[fluorescent.43]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step massive cliché alert...

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia? this sounds like a thought you had while writing and decided to stick it in.
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning? why is this line so long?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across ending line has no impact.

this poem is really, really,

really vague. your title is semi-interesting (i'm a sucker for bridges), but this does nothing to give life to that title. i think that if you have a simple title, then your poem should really expand and grow outwards on it.

i usually don't write poems in second-person point of view, but perhaps others can pull it off. this is not one of those times, unfortunately. the punctuation isn't varied enough and gives me a floaty, unsupported read because there's so little of it. 'take the first step' is a bit cliché to me as is the rest of the poem. your thoughts are there but yet unformed... i say, take some time to rethink what you'd like to say with this, then edit, and you may have something good on your hands.

good luck if you intend to edit! hope i was some help (if i wasn't, do ignore me).

43.

[peacejazzspirit]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step massive cliché alert...

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia? this sounds like a thought you had while writing and decided to stick it in.
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning? why is this line so long?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across ending line has no impact.

this poem is really, really,

really vague. your title is semi-interesting (i'm a sucker for bridges), but this does nothing to give life to that title. i think that if you have a simple title, then your poem should really expand and grow outwards on it.

i usually don't write poems in second-person point of view, but perhaps others can pull it off. this is not one of those times, unfortunately. the punctuation isn't varied enough and gives me a floaty, unsupported read because there's so little of it. 'take the first step' is a bit cliché to me as is the rest of the poem. your thoughts are there but yet unformed... i say, take some time to rethink what you'd like to say with this, then edit, and you may have something good on your hands.

good luck if you intend to edit! hope i was some help (if i wasn't, do ignore me).

43.

Thanks, 43, I appreciate your thoughts! I've never had much crit on my poetry so I know there is plenty I can improve. That long line... well, I don't know why I made it so long, it does throw off the balance. I don't usually write in second-person but thought it might draw the reader in more, as "you" is more inclusive than say if I wrote in first-person, "I"? Also why it is vague, "a bridge" can mean so many things and lead so many places; I wanted to leave the door open for the application of a personal situation, so that each reader will be taken back to a time they have had to "cross a bridge". I see no comment on the 3rd stanza, is it ok? I understand what you mean about the last line, I will work on that too. And also extract the cliche-ness. Again thanks, I am glad to hear my poem was not quite as good as I thought!

[Quixilated]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery (would read smoother without "remains")
Until you take the first step

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia?
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning?
(I think you should take out this whole second stanza. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem in voice or topic.)

A presence of those past lingers (I like this ... I think things hold a "residue" of people's experiences. There is something to that whole walls have ears bit.)
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there (I'm guessing this is a musical reference, but I don't understand it. Doesn't mean you should take it out, just an fyi)
Something pulls you forward and you follow... (don't need the ...)

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give (I like this line)
Now walk across

I feel like this poem is a metaphor for trying new things, or something along those lines. The "sonny" reference is lost on me. If this is a metaphor about music, and crossing over into new musical territory, then there should probably be more musical references throughout. For example, if the bridge is meant to be a musical bridge in a song, then there are not enough clues to lead us to that conclusion. If it is a regular bridge, merely about exploring the unknown, then the sonny reference feels a bit out of place. I like what you are saying with it, just find a more "Bridge-esque" way to say it mabye? I love the curiosity and uncertanty of the speaker, a bit of a "Schrodinger's cat" situation at the beginning ... can't know what's on the other side until you get there. Maybe it will help to have one clear idea of what you are trying to say, is it a nature poem about bridges, is it a music poem about the unpredictability of jazz, is it a metaphor about trying new things? Is it all of the above?
Looking forward to where you will take this. Happy writing!
--Quix

[peacejazzspirit]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery (would read smoother without "remains")
Until you take the first step

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia?
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning?
(I think you should take out this whole second stanza. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem in voice or topic.)

A presence of those past lingers (I like this ... I think things hold a "residue" of people's experiences. There is something to that whole walls have ears bit.)
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there (I'm guessing this is a musical reference, but I don't understand it. Doesn't mean you should take it out, just an fyi)
Something pulls you forward and you follow... (don't need the ...)

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give (I like this line)
Now walk across

I feel like this poem is a metaphor for trying new things, or something along those lines. The "sonny" reference is lost on me. If this is a metaphor about music, and crossing over into new musical territory, then there should probably be more musical references throughout. For example, if the bridge is meant to be a musical bridge in a song, then there are not enough clues to lead us to that conclusion. If it is a regular bridge, merely about exploring the unknown, then the sonny reference feels a bit out of place. I like what you are saying with it, just find a more "Bridge-esque" way to say it mabye? I love the curiosity and uncertanty of the speaker, a bit of a "Schrodinger's cat" situation at the beginning ... can't know what's on the other side until you get there. Maybe it will help to have one clear idea of what you are trying to say, is it a nature poem about bridges, is it a music poem about the unpredictability of jazz, is it a metaphor about trying new things? Is it all of the above?
Looking forward to where you will take this. Happy writing!
--Quix

Thank you so much for your feedback, Quix! The "Sonny" reference is to the tenor saxophone legend Sonny Rollins; he practiced on a bridge and even has a recording titled "The Bridge". Yes, it is about all of the above: trying new things, taking a risk, making a transition, or crossing an actual bridge. I understand your view on the second stanza; I'll do some editing and rewrites and maybe will have an updated version to post tomorrow.

[Tigonfre]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge.
The other side a mystery
Until you dare to venture forth.
- The problem with these lines to me is that they sound a lot like music, I even had instruments playing in my head. After reading them I didn't have a clue what was going on.

A presence of those past lingers,
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there.
Curiosity beckons you forward; you decide to follow.
- These lines were slightly better, but I still don't know what's going on. Using the name "Sonny" which looks like "Sony" only made my musical affliction worse.
You take the first step, a cautious one,
Bearing your weight carefully;
The strongest things can give.
Will this be one of them?
- This is more like a poem. But I am not feeling the bridge beneath my feet. Perhaps the previous lines should be more moody so that I can get into the atmosphere and actually feel the bridge and not hear Ed Sheeran's guitar.
Wait. Is that it?
Original:

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia?
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across

The original one is a lot better in my opinion. It's less musical, more poetic, and tells the story better. I also like the last line more, because it can be interpreted in many ways so that it could even sound very unsettling. Both versions are good in their own way but I'd say the original is the best, although I'd still advise you to change that musical stanza into another kind of stanza.

[peacejazzspirit]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge.
The other side a mystery
Until you dare to venture forth.
- The problem with these lines to me is that they sound a lot like music, I even had instruments playing in my head. After reading them I didn't have a clue what was going on.

A presence of those past lingers,
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there.
Curiosity beckons you forward; you decide to follow.
- These lines were slightly better, but I still don't know what's going on. Using the name "Sonny" which looks like "Sony" only made my musical affliction worse.
You take the first step, a cautious one,
Bearing your weight carefully;
The strongest things can give.
Will this be one of them?
- This is more like a poem. But I am not feeling the bridge beneath my feet. Perhaps the previous lines should be more moody so that I can get into the atmosphere and actually feel the bridge and not hear Ed Sheeran's guitar.
Wait. Is that it?
Original:

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia?
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across

The original one is a lot better in my opinion. It's less musical, more poetic, and tells the story better. I also like the last line more, because it can be interpreted in many ways so that it could even sound very unsettling. Both versions are good in their own way but I'd say the original is the best, although I'd still advise you to change that musical stanza into another kind of stanza.

Thanks for your input Tigonfre, and welcome to the forum! I know that "musical stanza" does need more attention than the rest of the poem, I'll revise it more so. But what if I like Ed Sheeran's guitar? In all seriousness, I am wondering if you're implying I should put the second stanza of the original back in? I've had a few people tell me completely different things, maybe I can find a medium.
Thanks, PJS