07-24-2015, 02:56 AM
Hi, Pen.
On first readings, I understand the depth of feeling of one for another in this work, but the way it has been expressed is a bit on the generic side, and doesn't do it justice. Easily rectified.
For example, what does the sweet fragrance actually do for the beholder? What does her form demand? Striking imagery will help you get rid of some adjectives, adverbs and gerunds. Wavy hair is meaningless in creating an image - too subjective - but using a simile may make her hair like the seaweed fronds of a mermaid's (don't quote me.)
I'll put a few general notes in the text and hope it helps.
My biggest issue is that the poem is neither formal in rhyme, rhythm, meter etc., or free verse because of erratic forced rhyme, and even couplets. If Joe Soap suddenly wanted to take an interest in poetry, what would he make of it?
Overall, you've got a work showing sentiments which could explode in the reader. And it's the reader that matters. We all want to be able to express our feelings in a manner seemingly the preserve of poets.
Go for it.
On first readings, I understand the depth of feeling of one for another in this work, but the way it has been expressed is a bit on the generic side, and doesn't do it justice. Easily rectified.
For example, what does the sweet fragrance actually do for the beholder? What does her form demand? Striking imagery will help you get rid of some adjectives, adverbs and gerunds. Wavy hair is meaningless in creating an image - too subjective - but using a simile may make her hair like the seaweed fronds of a mermaid's (don't quote me.)
I'll put a few general notes in the text and hope it helps.
My biggest issue is that the poem is neither formal in rhyme, rhythm, meter etc., or free verse because of erratic forced rhyme, and even couplets. If Joe Soap suddenly wanted to take an interest in poetry, what would he make of it?
Overall, you've got a work showing sentiments which could explode in the reader. And it's the reader that matters. We all want to be able to express our feelings in a manner seemingly the preserve of poets.
Go for it.
ThePen Wrote:This poem speaks of a fair lady, a woman that is my love. This looks like the first line of the poem.
Sweet fragrance, of perfume excelling, Grammatical inversion. Don't know if it's legit, now.
Marvelous vision, of a form demanding. As above.
Wavy hair, woven of a divine flair,
Alluring lady, of an elegance so fair. Show me, don't tell me.
Forms adorned with heavenly quality, Again, heavenly is subjective and known to no-one. Perhaps notions of angelic?
Beauty pleasing to the eye with regality. Upright? Haughty? Condescending? A nose like Caesar? Or a beautiful tyrant?
Colors, shapes, sounds, a resounding bell,
Fountain of youth, springing a powerful well.
Silky hands made of a consoling touch,
Stout feet that stand in Peruvian rock.
O, delirious weakness, my Achilles' heel,
Heart of fire, thoughts that stand still.
Seductive eyes, pleasure without measure,
Olives devouring with a delectable azure.
Otherworldly dame graced in enduring fame,
Only sight enkindling the passionate flame.
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.