Get Away

[Animal Riots Activist]

Hmm some pretty polar critiques here. Well I guess I should respond to both of them then.

I like the rhythm, disjointed as it is. I like that. I tripped up on the 'could/would' part, it doesn't work. But on the whole I like the flow of it. However, the poem, the content, is terrible. You seem to have sacrificed weight for rhyme and rhythm. All rhyme no reason.

Thanks for your reply shem. I think part of the interesting part of writing this poem is I totally agree with your sentiment, which is kind of why I bailed out w/ the "pointlessly long onomatopoeia" (which was so long because I tried to write it with the same rhythm as the rest of the piece, which is rather silly because nobody in their right mind would even bother to read that awful block of grunts), then the abrasive ending. I knew I could keep piling it on, but I didn't really want to. But I wrote all of it, and I wanted to see what I could do to turn it into a poem I saw as respectable, if not funny, so I added the onomatopoeia then the last line. It might be a bit of a gimmicky move, but I thought it made the poem funny, so I enjoyed the end product.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I'M BOLDING IT.  Honestly I don't have much to say other than the comments above, hopefully someone might have more.  I'm kind of blinded by my love, here.  The last stanza pleased me so, so much.  I'm not sick, I swear.

Your rhythm is on point, word choice is the only problem you seem to have at times.

This is the type of poem that'll stick with me.  Awesome.

Thanks buildthestars! I'm definitely not one for denying my work admiration, so I'll take it!

However, I do think I land somewhere between you and shem, in that I don't think its an amazing poem, nor do I think it's completely awful. I don't think the poem would be what it is without the onomatopoeia stanza and last line (definitely not w/o the last line), but I do still think it needs a bit of work.

I don't think my word choice was intentionally bad while writing it, but looking back on it, it's pretty bad. I think this is where the problem with the poem lies: I wasn't being intentional while writing it. It's just bad word choice, not intentionally bad word choice. I think it would be helpful if you could point out some instances where I used bad word choice, so I can edit the stuff around it and put in more cliche, more abstraction, and more overall poor writing. That might be a bit counterintuitive, but I think that will make the onomatopoeia stanza and last line work to even greater effect.

It's kind of strange, I've never been inclined to edit my poetry to make parts of it worse so the crux can be stronger, but that's what I feel inclined to do with this piece, so that's what I'm going to do. Thank you both, your comments have been quite helpful.