paint on the mirror

[buildthestars]

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

there was paint on the mirror
i had a drink in my hand and
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror

[Todd]

Hello buildthestars,

Welcome to the site! Here are a few comments for you.

This content is in the same vein as Tori Amos's song Me and a Gun. It has the same idea of disassociating during a traumatic event. I think its a good topic to work with the danger you have is that it can come across as shock value and hold little power as a poem. These are extremely difficult to pull off when they compete with visual media. That said, let me get to the line comments.

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

there was paint on the mirror--This line is unnecessary due to the title. I think you already repeat it too many times without hitting the same idea at a slant, or adding new information each time so you should look to cut direct repetition as much as you can.
i had a drink in my hand and--Look at your line breaks and try to break on strong nouns and verbs, breaking on conjunctions often doesn't convey the hesitancy you want to convey--it simply makes the line read choppy and out of control.
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning--World was spinning is a bit overused (cliche)
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”--be careful not to go this happened, and then this happened. Try not to be too flatly linear.
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and--This could be a point to mix it up again Maybe the paint is a certain color, and maybe that color moves you off into different associations. Or maybe the paint splotch has a shape. Try to mix it up when you use repetition.
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin--This is a nice association.
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest--This sequence isn't that effective. Try to rethink it.
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror--Again repetitive, sad experience on the surface, but doesn't convey emotional power.

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror--This is too leading if you want to end the poem at a better place consider ending on "everyone asks why" That will serve two purposes in that its more evocative and it will ask the unanswered question about the rape at the same time.

Just some thoughts. Hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

[Nyxx]

Hi! I love this, but I feel like you can push this so much further.

Firstly, I agree that you should lose the first line and revisit the way you end each line. Also, the present tense & past tense switch.

I would also look into the visual presentation. There's desperation in this situation. The form can really hit that home. I did my own little "remix" of it--so to speak--just to kind of show what I mean by visual stuff, but I think you could push it way farther.

I love this piece! Can't wait to see what you do with it.

<3
Nx


I had a drink in my hand
and his hand on my waist.
I barely registered the door closing behind me.
But I remember thinking:
“Why is there paint on the mirror?”

His hands were moving me
and I was moving away.
I didn’t really know him
and I didn’t really like him
but he didn’t really care.
and there’s paint on the mirror.

He is taking off my clothes
and he could’ve scraped it off.
Didn’t that bother him
the way his hands bothered me?
There’s paint on the mirror.

I tried to push him off
but I was drunk
and he was strong.
There’s paint on the mirror.

He’s inside me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
He’s fucking me.
There’s paint on the mirror.
It hurts.
There’s paint on the mirror.

My hands pound his chest.
Stop.
Stop.
He won’t.
There’s paint on the mirror.

why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror

There are no mirrors in my house
and everyone asks why.
I tell them:
“There was paint on the mirror.”

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

there was paint on the mirror
i had a drink in my hand and
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror

[DivineMsEmm]

Hi there! I have read this piece over and over, and it reminds me of one of my own. The point of view is stellar - but I think it could be even stronger.
The language can really tighten up if you delete articles such as "the" and "and" and "or" - tighten up those lines, shrink the length and it can be TIGHT.

So here I go with my suggestions -

Title - Paint on the Mirror - perfect. Keep it. Since this is the title, there isn't a need to repeat it as the first line.

If you don't mind, I'd like to trim and show what I mean. - Please see below

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

drink in my hand
a hand on my waist
the world was spinning
door closing behind me?

why is there paint on the mirror...
hands are on me
and i am moving away
don't know him
don't like him but
he didn’t really
care

and there was paint in the mirror
he was taking my clothes off
scrape the paint off the mirror

didn’t that bother him
his hands bothered my skin
but i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside
there’s paint on the mirror
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands push his chest
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
there’s paint on the mirror
why is
there paint
on the
mirror

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
i tell them

"there was paint on the mirror"

I think putting this piece into present tense will make it a lot stronger. It brings the reader into the middle of the tension, the middle of the pain, the middle of the scene - some of the lines in the original were unnecessary, so I took them out to pull the tension tighter.

The repetition of "there's paint on the mirror" is beautiful because of the odd number of words, but even number of syllables - there's an eerie feeling there, as well as a rhythm that thinks it's comfortable, but in reality it's not. The rhythm is forced, much like the subject matter and it works beautifully.

Keep tightening it up, the focus on the paint is brilliant, because it really helps the reader understand the speaker's physical and emotional pain. Well Done.

[kiwiyana]

Hi,

I am sorta new at this but apart from the event being described, one thing that really struck me was the repeated use of 'and'. I know its use is necessary and all since it is a conjunction however it could have been substituted and in places removed.
I hope I am not being too out there by saying this. It's just my opinion

All the best!

[poppoetry]

first poem here.

paint on the mirror

there was paint on the mirror
i had a drink in my hand and
his hand on my waist
and the world was spinning
so i barely registered the door closing behind me
but i remember thinking,
“why is there paint on the mirror?”
his hands were moving on me
and i was moving away because
i didn’t really know him
and i didn’t really like him but
he didn’t really
care
and there was paint in the mirror and
he was taking my clothes off
and why couldn’t he scrape the paint off the mirror because
didn’t that bother him the way
his hands bothered my skin
i tried to push him off but
i was drunk
and he was strong
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s inside me
there’s paint on the mirror
it hurts
he doesn’t care
there’s paint on the mirror
my hands are on his chest
stop
stop
he won’t
there’s paint on the mirror
he’s fucking me
there’s paint on the mirror
why
is
there
fucking
paint
on
the
mirror

there are no mirrors in my house
everyone asks why
and i tell them
there was paint
on the mirror

I haven't read other posts on this poem so my view on it is based only on what I read and all I can say is 'wow', that's a great poem and very well presented, it flows nicely and once you read it and understand the poem you want to read it again to understand this trauma more!, if this is an original idea (hopefully not experience based) then it's a very strong piece of writing, ignoring any grammatical flaws, it reads and flows well and doesn't need a rhyming system at all, this is my kind of poetry, punchy and hard hitting. Well done.

[buildthestars]

hey everyone, thanks so much for reviewing the poem for me.

first of all (and I probably should have stated this in the original post), it's meant to be slam/spoken word, which is why I frequently used conjunctions (I want the feel of it to be rushed/breathless) and i'd love to keep that.  with that said, I'm going to reply to you all individually:

todd
I understand your stance on non-repetition of paint on the mirror in the first line, but I think i'd rather keep it here just since it's meant to be spoken word.  however, I do really appreciate your angle on breaking on strong nouns and verbs and do think that would help the poem.  I was trying to think of where I would pause if I was reading it out loud and i'll take a look how it feels off the tongue pausing at different points to make the poem stronger.
I get your suggestion about breaking up repetition of "paint on the mirror" with adding in color/other details, but since this is kind of a "panic mode/dissociation" piece, I'm going to leave that.
i'll look at the my hands are on his chest line and re-think that.  i agree with you, i think it could be better.

also, i agree with you on ending with "everyone asks why".  i think i'll need to grind into the poem a little bit more to bring out the trauma of the experience (like you suggested) to do that, but i agree, it'll make it more evocative.

nyxx
i definitely didn't notice the tense switches, so i'll read through and fix that, thank you!
your edit of the piece was absolutely lovely and i really enjoyed the way it read. generally, i dislike traditional stanzas because i like to do slam and write things as i would read them. you gave me some great ideas for re-arranging the syntax of the poem and adding some powerful visual pieces, though, so thank you.

divinemsemm
i won't address the articles as i did above, but i really like some of the changes that you made because you made the point of view a bit "hazy", which i think enhanced the drunken confusion of everything. you gave me some ideas to incorporate into the revision, thank you.

also, i like your idea of putting it into present tense. i'll write it in both tenses and see which one works better.

kiwiyana
i'd like to keep most of the "ands" and other conjunctions, but since this was such a heavy comment i'll re-look it and see where i can drop it a few times (or use something else, maybe a bit more powerful). i think this'll take a bit of reading out loud to figure out what different ways i can use to evoke the rushed pain of the situation.

poppoetry
not experience based, haha. i appreciate your comment, thank you.

thank you everyone for your comments/revisions. i hope i didn't come across as defensive because i truly appreciate all of the comments and suggestions that were made. you all gave me quite a few things to think about to make this a better poem, so thank you!

[Nyxx]

Oh weird. The way it posted it didn't have all the indentation I had edited it with. I dislike traditional stanzas as well. I hope you post the final edit! Can't wait to read more of yours!

hey everyone, thanks so much for reviewing the poem for me.

first of all (and I probably should have stated this in the original post), it's meant to be slam/spoken word, which is why I frequently used conjunctions (I want the feel of it to be rushed/breathless) and i'd love to keep that.  with that said, I'm going to reply to you all individually:

todd
I understand your stance on non-repetition of paint on the mirror in the first line, but I think i'd rather keep it here just since it's meant to be spoken word.  however, I do really appreciate your angle on breaking on strong nouns and verbs and do think that would help the poem.  I was trying to think of where I would pause if I was reading it out loud and i'll take a look how it feels off the tongue pausing at different points to make the poem stronger.
I get your suggestion about breaking up repetition of "paint on the mirror" with adding in color/other details, but since this is kind of a "panic mode/dissociation" piece, I'm going to leave that.
i'll look at the my hands are on his chest line and re-think that.  i agree with you, i think it could be better.

also, i agree with you on ending with "everyone asks why".  i think i'll need to grind into the poem a little bit more to bring out the trauma of the experience (like you suggested) to do that, but i agree, it'll make it more evocative.

nyxx
i definitely didn't notice the tense switches, so i'll read through and fix that, thank you!
your edit of the piece was absolutely lovely and i really enjoyed the way it read.  generally, i dislike traditional stanzas because i like to do slam and write things as i would read them.  you gave me some great ideas for re-arranging the syntax of the poem and adding some powerful visual pieces, though, so thank you.

divinemsemm
i won't address the articles as i did above, but i really like some of the changes that you made because you made the point of view a bit "hazy", which i think enhanced the drunken confusion of everything.  you gave me some ideas to incorporate into the revision, thank you.

also, i like your idea of putting it into present tense. i'll write it in both tenses and see which one works better.

kiwiyana
i'd like to keep most of the "ands" and other conjunctions, but since this was such a heavy comment i'll re-look it and see where i can drop it a few times (or use something else, maybe a bit more powerful).  i think this'll take a bit of reading out loud to figure out what different ways i can use to evoke the rushed pain of the situation.

poppoetry
not experience based, haha.  i appreciate your comment, thank you.

thank you everyone for your comments/revisions.  i hope i didn't come across as defensive because i truly appreciate all of the comments and suggestions that were made.  you all gave me quite a few things to think about to make this a better poem, so thank you!