Get Away

[buildthestars]

Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.

Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. don't like this line

The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, i love this play on words
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.  these two lines, though. love.

“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head.

“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”

“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, she already growled. Maybe moaned, or something?
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.”

The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I'M BOLDING IT. Honestly I don't have much to say other than the comments above, hopefully someone might have more. I'm kind of blinded by my love, here. The last stanza pleased me so, so much. I'm not sick, I swear.

Your rhythm is on point, word choice is the only problem you seem to have at times.

This is the type of poem that'll stick with me. Awesome.