03-18-2015, 05:49 AM
I think you have a good idea to work with here and definitely agree with the previous critiques as well. Particularly I would reiterate the idea that the definite tone with which the first stanza delivers the idea of ease takes away from the poems message.
Additionally, the repetition of "dance" and "floor" in the lines below are a bit distracting for me.
To ask a girl to dance
And if she is agreeable,to dance,
These champions of the floor,
Who walk across a floor
If you do want to close with the picture of a "warrior" and "champion", perhaps develop that idea a bit more through the poem and develop wording around the ideas of battle earlier in the poem. Otherwise it can be a little disjointed.
Cheers and happy writing!
Additionally, the repetition of "dance" and "floor" in the lines below are a bit distracting for me.
To ask a girl to dance
And if she is agreeable,to dance,
These champions of the floor,
Who walk across a floor
If you do want to close with the picture of a "warrior" and "champion", perhaps develop that idea a bit more through the poem and develop wording around the ideas of battle earlier in the poem. Otherwise it can be a little disjointed.
Cheers and happy writing!