Nameless Longing

[JGmusic512]

A nameless longing calls me,
Awakened in my youth,
To witness all my eyes can see,
And listen for the tune,

That comes from open spaces,
Winding rivers flowing free,
Out of unexpected places,
And precious memories,

Seemingly a waking dream,
Twisting shadows on a lawn,
Engulfed in false reality,
A melancholy song,

My spirit yearns for harmony,
Outside the bland and blurred,
Yet, solemnly a part of me,
Doubts I’ll find a cure,

For this nameless longing,
That I ever hold at bay,
By seeking out the splendor,
Hidden far beyond the grey,

Cityscapes and busy streets,
Crowding up my mind,
Constantly I seek retreat,
From the crooked kind,

They prey upon the trusting,
Sharks swimming in red wine,
Ignoring inner callings,
Focused on a bottom line,

It’s a secret not for keeping,
But for sharing far and wide,
Track the nameless longing,
Redefine the guide.

[Magpie]

Hi JG,

You've got a couple of good ideas in here but a lot seems to get lost for one reason or another and then it becomes difficult to come away with any meaning.

Firstly as regards the title, seeing as though the phrase 'nameless longing' gets used three times in the poem it seems a bit of a waste also as the title. There's an excellent post somewhere on this site (can't find it at the moment, but if I do I'll put the link here for you) about what titles can do for your poem. As well as being the "come and read me" first encounter that the reader will have it is also an extra line of the poem and shouldn't be wasted.

The first thing that strikes me about the actual poem is the length of the sentences sentence. Punctuation would make it a lot easier to read and therefore make your images clearer, also the fact that every line starts with a capital doesn't make it any easier for distinguishing things, it used to be in fashion to start each line with a capital but then I think people just realised it was wrong. Keeping to a metre would also help with reading, although I don't a lot about metre but in certain parts of your poem  I tripped up and it didn't flow naturally.

A couple of bits that got my attention and left me wanting you to expand further were 'Outside the bland and blurred', firstly the alliteration worked well and also it hinted at something interesting that could of been developed, the blurred line??? 
"Sharks swimming in red wine", this got me as well. It's a very striking almost surreal image that I couldn't quite connect with the rest of the stanza but as an image it certainly got my attention.

I best leave it there because I've just noticed which forum it's in, hope it is of some help.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[first_high_of_the_day]

I got the overall message of the poem and thought it ended well. However, I found the rhyming of this poem to be way too simplistic and sometimes just bad in comparison to the maturity of the ideas being conveyed.

Examples:
me - see
spaces - places
free - memories
lawn - song
youth - tune

This really distracted me from appreciating the poem. I think you need to get more creative with your rhyming, or simply abandon rhyming altogether.

[summermoose]

Loved the ideas in this poem and the way you develop the message initially through scenic, nature imagery and then ending in the day-to-day picture of city streets and focus on a "bottom line" was great.

I agree with the critique above about the rhyme scheme coming across a tad forced - your ideas can probably shine through better without that.

For me the following stanza doesn't read particularly well:

They prey upon the trusting,
Sharks swimming in red wine, <<< perhaps remove the word "Sharks"
Ignoring inner callings,
Focused on a bottom line, <<< could use simply "Focused bottom line" which reads better for me and still gets across the message.

Other feedback that I think could improve the poem is to think about which images and which descriptions (rivers, landscapes, shadow, cities...) you find the most powerful and diverse and develop those a little more through the poem. That could add some more punch and some more layers to each of those images and may help to flesh out your ideas even better.

Great job!

[AdolescentMindFlow]

I love the wanderlust message your putting out through your poem, but I agree with the sentences being too long. Try shorter ones, the flow will go a lot smoother.
I also feel that the first two stamzas were really good, and had a good push; but throughout the poem it started to lose that push.
Other than that, great poem!