A poem for a demon

[shemthepenman]

Thanks for your feedback!
These blanks are not actually meant for filling in but rather to make the poem build an image in your mind
i guess i kind of failed at that...

I tried to show the thoughts going through my mind and the constant struggle of keeping them together
so cliche is actually what my mind runs into a lot of the time i guess...

Any ideas on how to actually improve this?

Hello,

Yes, I didn't really think the blanks were for filling in, I was being cheeky However, I could only really guess that, because the underscore line is confusing. It isn't punctuation, at least, I cannot recall it used as punctuation (you may be able to find an obscure example).

Anyhow, yep it failed. But as they say, failure isn't a problem until it becomes a habit.

With regards to improving it, take out the underscores and use some proper punctuation or even line spaces if you want to 'build an image' in the mind. The elipses could be replaced, too. These things show your lack of confidence. Try writing it with standard punctuation and maybe line spaces.

The cliche thing is a bit more tricky, because if you are just writing the first thing that comes into your head (in a kind of automatic writing/free writing/stream of consciousness kind of way), then of course cliches are always right there; they come preformed and you don't have to think too much (ironically). I think someone else said it, but the only way round this is to train yourself to recognise cliches. But this is all general advice. When it comes to this particular poem, I think it is lost. I mean that in the sense that in order to improve the poem you would have to change it so raadically that I doubt it would even resemble the original poem in any way.