03-07-2015, 09:14 PM
Firstly, take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm by no means an expert; I'm simply giving the impressions I received upon reading your poem. 
Secondly, you've picked a clever and gorgeous title. The sort that's quite catchy as well as giving an inkling as to what the poem is about - if I was drifting around and found this poem, that title would be enough for me to glance at the rest of it.
The rhyming structure suits your content as well, and you've got some lovely rhymes like skin/spin, wind/skin (I wonder, was the repition of skin on purpose there?), proud/aloud... There were a few I found I stumbled over though, like over/lover in the second paragraph. Not only are their sounds a little diverent (the 'o' is pronounced differently in both, unless you're pronouncing lover like as in clover). but "bend over" is also a bit of an awkward phrase - perhaps because "over" seems to be there entirely for the rhyme. "honeyed lover" is also somewhat out of place - it's an interesting sentiment, but I think lover is too direct/romanticly connotating a word to bring it out with, considering the word choices elsewhere.
[Wetting earths tilted spin]
earth's? Otherwise it appears to be "earths" in plural, which may be a play on God and subject with the sun in capital? I'm honestly not sure which of those it is. But you use sun in lowercase later on; pick one and be consistent with it.
[whispering words of wind]
In the interest of being consistent, "whispering" at the start of the line should be capitalised.
[Dubbed blades merely by appearance]
this line seems to read a little longer than the rest of the stanza and the way you've worded it, there's a few alternatives by which you can shorten it (eg. Dubbed blades by appearance/ bow to simple skin).
[Ruffling plumage proud] - this line sticks out for me - in a good way.
One of those lines I'll remember after the rest of the poem.
[Silky syllbales, meaningless] - the majority of that stanza consists of soft sounds, so I find the "ky" sound to be a tad jarring in it. If you can think of a synonym of silky that has a somewhat softer sound (singer in comparison isn't quite as hard a sound and therefore not jarring), it might sound a little softer overall? Soft sounds seem to fit in an overall sense with your content as well, so I'd recommend keeping an eye on that for the entire piece.
[Salty upon grey shore] - I accidentally read that as a plural originally. Particularly because of [moons core] - if singular, moons should be apostrified as moon's. If plural and still possessive, it should be moons'. Plural alone is moons. You could have both shore and core plural if you choose. Or to negate the confusion, you could say "salty upon a grey shore" - which is a definite singular, instead of a more presumptive one.
[more soulful than an animals]
[With no reason to be] - seems like one of the few lines that don't carry with them a strong image. Just something to consider.
[Two wondrous globes sit in sockets] - I'm seeing a pair of eyes here, and by the looks of the last line, I think that's what I'm meant to be seeing. The switch to harder sounds with this stanza works nicely as well. I do wonder why you chose "behold" as present/future tense as opposed to "beheld" as past tense for the second last line. It makes the entire stanza seem more hopeless - which may well have been your intention.
Lastly, I didn't note down all the specific examples, but you've got some gorgeous alliteration going on. Whispering words of wind is my favourite, but you've got a myraid of examples.
Secondly, you've picked a clever and gorgeous title. The sort that's quite catchy as well as giving an inkling as to what the poem is about - if I was drifting around and found this poem, that title would be enough for me to glance at the rest of it.
The rhyming structure suits your content as well, and you've got some lovely rhymes like skin/spin, wind/skin (I wonder, was the repition of skin on purpose there?), proud/aloud... There were a few I found I stumbled over though, like over/lover in the second paragraph. Not only are their sounds a little diverent (the 'o' is pronounced differently in both, unless you're pronouncing lover like as in clover). but "bend over" is also a bit of an awkward phrase - perhaps because "over" seems to be there entirely for the rhyme. "honeyed lover" is also somewhat out of place - it's an interesting sentiment, but I think lover is too direct/romanticly connotating a word to bring it out with, considering the word choices elsewhere.
[Wetting earths tilted spin]
earth's? Otherwise it appears to be "earths" in plural, which may be a play on God and subject with the sun in capital? I'm honestly not sure which of those it is. But you use sun in lowercase later on; pick one and be consistent with it.
[whispering words of wind]
In the interest of being consistent, "whispering" at the start of the line should be capitalised.
[Dubbed blades merely by appearance]
this line seems to read a little longer than the rest of the stanza and the way you've worded it, there's a few alternatives by which you can shorten it (eg. Dubbed blades by appearance/ bow to simple skin).
[Ruffling plumage proud] - this line sticks out for me - in a good way.
One of those lines I'll remember after the rest of the poem.[Silky syllbales, meaningless] - the majority of that stanza consists of soft sounds, so I find the "ky" sound to be a tad jarring in it. If you can think of a synonym of silky that has a somewhat softer sound (singer in comparison isn't quite as hard a sound and therefore not jarring), it might sound a little softer overall? Soft sounds seem to fit in an overall sense with your content as well, so I'd recommend keeping an eye on that for the entire piece.
[Salty upon grey shore] - I accidentally read that as a plural originally. Particularly because of [moons core] - if singular, moons should be apostrified as moon's. If plural and still possessive, it should be moons'. Plural alone is moons. You could have both shore and core plural if you choose. Or to negate the confusion, you could say "salty upon a grey shore" - which is a definite singular, instead of a more presumptive one.
[more soulful than an animals]
[With no reason to be] - seems like one of the few lines that don't carry with them a strong image. Just something to consider.
[Two wondrous globes sit in sockets] - I'm seeing a pair of eyes here, and by the looks of the last line, I think that's what I'm meant to be seeing. The switch to harder sounds with this stanza works nicely as well. I do wonder why you chose "behold" as present/future tense as opposed to "beheld" as past tense for the second last line. It makes the entire stanza seem more hopeless - which may well have been your intention.
Lastly, I didn't note down all the specific examples, but you've got some gorgeous alliteration going on. Whispering words of wind is my favourite, but you've got a myraid of examples.
When it finally snows here, I'll catch a snowflake and put it in the fridge.