02-27-2015, 09:37 AM
The concept is brilliant! Unique, yet easy to comprehend. You don't lose time thinking about it, complex enough to get you thinking, but doesn't slow down the reading. A few of my thoughts are..
"A flag whose destiny's to never fly,"
Personal opinion, I think "destiny is" sounds better than "destiny's". I could be wrong, I'm no world-expert on meter, but from my personal opinion, when reading aloud it felt like there should be an extra syllable.
"and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground."
These lines jut out at me a bit. As an overall, they're good, but I feel like there's room to be better. Agreeing with milo, but while a shelf by itself isn't something to, or not to remember, I can think of a shelf that's been forgotten. Too high/out of reach so people stop looking at it.
Apart from that, most of my thoughts have been said already. Very solid idea.
"A flag whose destiny's to never fly,"
Personal opinion, I think "destiny is" sounds better than "destiny's". I could be wrong, I'm no world-expert on meter, but from my personal opinion, when reading aloud it felt like there should be an extra syllable.
"and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground."
These lines jut out at me a bit. As an overall, they're good, but I feel like there's room to be better. Agreeing with milo, but while a shelf by itself isn't something to, or not to remember, I can think of a shelf that's been forgotten. Too high/out of reach so people stop looking at it.
Apart from that, most of my thoughts have been said already. Very solid idea.