Forever at Half-Mast (experimental sonnet rhyme scheme included)

[alatos]

I think I am a flag, forever at
half-mast, and hanging in a windless dusk,
then sometimes twitching like a crumpled huskdead yet set twitching like a crumpled husk....your poem. It is the "then" I want to rid the line of. The half-mast and death might work.
when corn-worms, swollen, slow, and waxy-fat
creep out of their exhausted habitat, This is just inspirational imagery. Envy
and set out on their journey to the sky. "...to set out on their journey..." is more determined.
But I, a flag that’s doomed to never fly,
but watch the sun go down below the flat, But me no buts...there are no contras to excuse so buts are not necessary. The syntax is deceptively wrong. You have "But I, xxxxxx, but watch" You can rewrite this line though a suggestion might help.
" I feel impaled, a flag that cannot fly;
destined to watch the sun slide 'neath the flat,". Why impaled? Because you are going to use "doomed" again, very soon . Wait for the furore because of "'neath". Do not listen. It is an English word in common use
unending earth and tremble at my doom- again with the conjunctions...and, and....avoid the repetition induced by list-form verse. Suggest period use, thus.
" unending earth. I tremble at my doom
this hopeless night; to then be lowered down..." No more. You get the idea and you can do better than me.
the hopeless night, and then be lowered down…
and folded up, and placed into my tomb:
an unmarked box, kept in an empty room,
an unremembered shelf, an unknown town,
and leave a naked rod stuck in the ground. just perfect
 

Hi alatos,
Well done for this. I am very glad I read it....if you want this moving, at any time, to Serious Workshopping, just say the word. The core metaphor hangs well and the pros and cons of the anthropomorphis shows thinking took place There are areas where litter has been left but overall it is tidy. I'm not sure about the hyperbole...doomed and trembled...but can offer little else which would keep the faith. Extra words are the litter I am talking about but keeping strict meter, commendable, can make this difficult but NOT impossible to avoid. To be honest, what else, you DO seem to be syllable-counting and so I find emphases are often squidgy.
So only a few in-text comments....I hope they help. Oh, why the drop after the L1? Accident? If not, what point?
Best,
tectak

Thanks, I edited the original post!