02-14-2015, 02:09 AM
Hello,
Thank you for this poem, I enjoyed it. I love your use of words, re-embers is beautiful on its own but it is brilliant when paired with the first stanza. Those two stanzas on their own are good, but the depth they add to each other is poignant. The light of a life has gone down into the darkness, a darkness painted on the sky... on the whole world. In that perspective, re-embers is just the perfect touch.
The third stanza is appropriate, and it ties the emotions you brought up to something very real. It makes the connection. But it is here that I feel you could do better. With the 1st and 2nd stanzas being so amazing, with depth of imagery and metaphor, the 3rd is very plain in comparison. Perhaps that is what you wanted, to bring home the simplicity of life and the things we miss? It is a nice message. However, as a poem, I am left wanting for just a bit more.
If you don't mind, I'll give you a hint of what I'd like to personally see (especially being fond of stars and all).
"I see stars
in your apron
lightyears away..
come back to me"
Something like that. Overall, I still love this poem, but I really hope that you could find some way to make it even better!!
Cheers, S.M.
Thank you for this poem, I enjoyed it. I love your use of words, re-embers is beautiful on its own but it is brilliant when paired with the first stanza. Those two stanzas on their own are good, but the depth they add to each other is poignant. The light of a life has gone down into the darkness, a darkness painted on the sky... on the whole world. In that perspective, re-embers is just the perfect touch.
The third stanza is appropriate, and it ties the emotions you brought up to something very real. It makes the connection. But it is here that I feel you could do better. With the 1st and 2nd stanzas being so amazing, with depth of imagery and metaphor, the 3rd is very plain in comparison. Perhaps that is what you wanted, to bring home the simplicity of life and the things we miss? It is a nice message. However, as a poem, I am left wanting for just a bit more.
If you don't mind, I'll give you a hint of what I'd like to personally see (especially being fond of stars and all).
"I see stars
in your apron
lightyears away..
come back to me"
Something like that. Overall, I still love this poem, but I really hope that you could find some way to make it even better!!
Cheers, S.M.