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Has it totally empathic
it's gloroius and tragic
doesn't matter the traffic
I have it
it's telepathic
runs through my veins like magic
I don't stop
lemmie have it
I eat it up like candy
knowledge is food
it makes me randy
don't mean to be gettin' graphic
sorry for the pose
I should'a have some manners I s'pose
f'kit, creation includes everything
that's just how it goes
realignin' the universe
I sing
I know it can hurt
a sting
but that's just me
a King
it's mine I made it
free to rearrange it
you don't like it?
I'l help ya..
to leave it
ya betta
b'lieve it!
hestaredattheskyasiftoaskwhy
Unregistered
Your style is confusing and your rhyming juvenile. Candy/randy part made me wince. The only suggestion I feel right in making is to tear it down and start over. It seems like you were trying to make words rhyme, but not really trying to say anything. Is this a rap or something?
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Um yeah, not sure how I can be gentle and I need to be.
This is definitely rap. You need to make sense in rap. or at least SAY SOMETHING. It's a fantastic form to use for social injustice or politics or anything.
How do I know this? My entire family is comprised of musicians, and my step-son is a fantastic rapper.
If you want to do this, do it right.
now. um.
sorry if I was harsh. Often am, ask anyone 'round here.
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This will piss some people off; Rap is not poetry, they do not function the same way. Rap is based on sonics to create a syncopated beat. Rap, the lyrics does not function well without the rap music. This is because that like regular song lyrics it is written with the music contribution in mind. Unlike a "regular" song, rap is never based on formal poetry, so it is solely based on how it's rhythmical beat plays against the music. Even when rap is preformed without music (which is generally not a pretty sight), the performer will still create percussive sounds using the voice, or stomping and slapping. Rap simply does not function well without extra-percussive syncopated sounds to play off of. The rhymes are used as an extra-percussive point. This is why they happen so frequently and often with a large group playing off the same rhyme sound. Rhyme is not used this way in poetry for two reasons: it seems silly within the confines of a poem and the percussive effect of the lines either are not picked by the reader, or they are too obvious. Oftentimes, by lesser artist, when the rap lyrics are read without the benefit of the music, and especially without knowledge of the music, rap lyrics seem obvious and juvenile. This goes back to the goal of rap music. To reach it's audience the lyrics must be somewhat simple, if written with the subtle complexity and extended metaphor of poetry (at least good poetry), no one in the audience would know what the singer is talking about. So, even though rap may appear to poetry snobs as being inferior, it is simply a difference in it's goal, which is different from poetry. One cannot use poetry critiquing techniques on rap. Run through the framework of poetry most of the lyrics for a rap song, would be tossed out as immature and childish, especially the excess rhyme. I talked to Billy (the owner) about things like slam poetry and rap needing its own forum. He said people should put it in the Miscellaneous forum. An overview of what that category is for: "non mainstream poetry/Prose and Lyrics etc." I would suggest when you post in that section note that these are rap lyrics (although generally obvious) and you wish for them to be critiqued that way. Personally I would prefer that the music was with it, as it is difficult to judge the rhythmical quality without it, or maybe bold the words you want to emphasized in terms of the beat. Also without the music it is difficult to see how it is phrased. In music one can base a phrase on triplets or quarter notes for a particular phrase, and then use a mixture of quarter notes and dotted eight notes for another (an over simplified example). This will give varying line lengths. Without the music it is difficult to tell if the lyrics are awkward or just phrased differently. As such I would not feel secure in critiquing rap lyrics even if I felt qualified.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Hello,
i think you've put this one in the wrong forum,it's obviously rap,
there's no place in any type of poetry or song for that matter for the word "randy"
we all make mistakes learn from them,i'm not really knocking you,you've got
talent keep it up.
Tom.
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I actually enjoyed this though I too was rappin the words in my head. I did not know that rap was not poetry until just now. I thought it was poetry with beats and scratching. Tom you made me laugh with your comment, come on no place in poetry for randy? Well that's no fun at all. Hhhaha. Somnium you sound young but I don't think that's are bad thing. It would be false to write in a way that is not you. I think after "pose" though "need some manners I spose" or something may fit better and maybe "creation is everything". You know what mate, it was fun, youthful and it made me smile.
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I actually enjoyed the post very much, theres a grey area around both sides of the line we all must visit once in a while so we don't take ourselves too seriously. If you're goal was a reaction from your readers you did well, I literally laughed out loud at the randy line lol
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(01-11-2015, 07:59 PM)somnium Wrote: Has it totally empathic
it's gloroius and tragic
doesn't matter the traffic
I have it
it's telepathic
runs through my veins like magic
I don't stop
lemmie have it
I eat it up like candy
knowledge is food
it makes me randy
don't mean to be gettin' graphic
sorry for the pose
I should'a have some manners I s'pose
f'kit, creation includes everything
that's just how it goes
realignin' the universe
I sing
I know it can hurt
a sting
but that's just me
a King
it's mine I made it
free to rearrange it
you don't like it?
I'l help ya..
to leave it
ya betta
b'lieve it!
In general I think you're overemphasizing the rhythm of your poetry. To be honest, it sounds like a rap, which would be great and all, this just isn't a rap forum. I think there is something there in this poem, it just falls victim to poor rhymes like randy and candy. Also "ya betta b'lieve it!" is an amazingly dull cliche, in general I would avoid it.
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Has it totally empathic < The first thing I want to change when I read this is this line . I
it's gloroius and tragic want to change it to ," Has it totally become empathic," or " Is it totally empathic"
doesn't matter the traffic
I have it
it's telepathic
runs through my veins like magic
I don't stop
lemmie have it < lemmie have it , you are asking for it here, but you say "it runs through, my veins like magic"
I eat it up like candy If you are telepathic, no one would have to " let you have it", you'd already own it.
knowledge is food
it makes me randy
don't mean to be gettin' graphic
sorry for the pose
I should'a have some manners I s'pose < here the have bothers me . "I should'a have some manners I s'pose." Should'a
f'kit, creation includes everything (should have) . Is this saying "have" twice. I should'a had
that's just how it goes
realignin' the universe
I sing
I know it can hurt
a sting
but that's just me
a King
it's mine I made it
free to rearrange it
you don't like it?
I'l help ya..
to leave it
ya betta
b'lieve it!
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Feb 2015
hi there. i think the rhythm of this piece was too overpowering. Even though i think no one ever escapes fully the clutches of forced rhymes, this particular piece seemed greatly ridden with the same. The intention of the poem is pretty clear, and that's a plus, but the whole piece ends up sounding like a bad P.O.D song. Also, there were some grammatical errors, and in places, there is a forced structure given to a sentence, so as to fit it to rhyme. Considerable room for improvement. Best of luck! 
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Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2015
Hello,
The crux of this work is the question of what is this "it" you repeatedly refer to. There is only one moment where we have a glimpse of what "it" could be: "I eat it up like candy / knowledge is food", but that doesn't really work so well. If this is what you wanted to convey, then you've gone and ambushed yourself by making so many references to "it" but leaving such a weak explanation for what this "it" is.
The result is that this work feels empty.
I would suggest that you put some more thought into making a conclusive and compelling statement for what this "it" is that would tie together this whole work.
Cheers, S.M.
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