01-03-2015, 02:14 PM
Hello zahrakh,
Just to be clear, I'm new to giving critiques, but here's a few suggestions:
To start, I feel like "smudged on the horizon," even though you don't tell me anything else, evokes great imagery, which is quickly followed up by more imagery in the next line. It sets me up with a great picture in my mind to hold as I continue reading.
I think it leaves the door open to question whether or not the author is truly saying farewell to the year by not ending "farewell of the year" with either a comma or period. It works for me. I think the period at the end of "Life goes on." would be more powerful if one hadn't come in the line before. Maybe switch it to a comma? The contradiction between "Life goes on." and the period that says it does not is good.
I stumble when I read "and heart is its faithful torchbearer", and am wondering if some word changes might help? Maybe add "the" before "heart"? I'm not entirely sure how to fix it, but it messes with the flow in my mind.
The line "But pain has the gift of rekindling," sounds good(by which I mean, the rhythm works), and spoke to me. Whatever you do, don't lose that line.
The line "oblivious to the clamor to appease" has 3 separate words (oblivious, clamor, appease) that are higher caliber in terms of vocab than the rest of the piece. That makes the line really heavy. I don't feel comfortable suggesting synonyms for those words, which may not speak to you in the same way, but I suggest maybe switching out one or more of them for words that are more similar in caliber to the rest of the piece.
I hope that was helpful.
-ShootheStar25
Just to be clear, I'm new to giving critiques, but here's a few suggestions:
To start, I feel like "smudged on the horizon," even though you don't tell me anything else, evokes great imagery, which is quickly followed up by more imagery in the next line. It sets me up with a great picture in my mind to hold as I continue reading.
I think it leaves the door open to question whether or not the author is truly saying farewell to the year by not ending "farewell of the year" with either a comma or period. It works for me. I think the period at the end of "Life goes on." would be more powerful if one hadn't come in the line before. Maybe switch it to a comma? The contradiction between "Life goes on." and the period that says it does not is good.
I stumble when I read "and heart is its faithful torchbearer", and am wondering if some word changes might help? Maybe add "the" before "heart"? I'm not entirely sure how to fix it, but it messes with the flow in my mind.
The line "But pain has the gift of rekindling," sounds good(by which I mean, the rhythm works), and spoke to me. Whatever you do, don't lose that line.
The line "oblivious to the clamor to appease" has 3 separate words (oblivious, clamor, appease) that are higher caliber in terms of vocab than the rest of the piece. That makes the line really heavy. I don't feel comfortable suggesting synonyms for those words, which may not speak to you in the same way, but I suggest maybe switching out one or more of them for words that are more similar in caliber to the rest of the piece.
I hope that was helpful.
-ShootheStar25
-ShootTheStar25
I shall not live in vain.
I shall not live in vain.