Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

[Leah S.]

that smelled to me like my raw heart,

This line is just bizarre even for a metaphor. It has this sense of "captain obvious" plus morbidity of death which I don't think is the essence of the stanza. Sure, what else could be there inside your chest - metaphorically - but your heart? Not to mention the imagery of smelling a raw and beating human heart. The line just doesn't sound right to me.

that smelled to me like a cold hearth,

This line give me comedic effect instead even though I'm pretty sure it is not intended that way. How do you smell a fireplace? How do you smell fire? I know it's a metaphor but all the metaphors in this poem has been consistent with the physical law apart from the "smelled" lines which are at odd with the rest of the stanzas. Why it's comedic? Because in order for the fireplace to have a smell, someone must be cooking something there - I don't know, maybe marshmallows? But that would mean it smells like marshmallow.

I bowed my head, but not to the weight of pain,

This line is just perplexing. Weren't you already reaching the earth but not touching it? Physically speaking, when you did that, your head was already bowing down. This line imply that you didn't bowed your head before which make a haunting imagery in my mind, akin to the movie "The Exorcist". Where was the position of your head before?

...

Apart from the questionable lines, I can say honestly that this is a nice poem to read.

I have to take issue with the statement that a fireplace only has a smell if it has been cooked in. There is a big difference between the smell of heated metal and stone mixed with the smell of burning wood and the smell of cold ash with bits of dead coals in it.  So for me the line is sound literally and metaphorically. Sorry, I just couldn't let that one pass.

Thanks ellajam. I'm sitting in my office and effortlessly conjured up the smell of a cold hearth.