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Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
A poet's love of words may woo, but rarely will entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.
You who lampoon the love-struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
strange chill sets in, hot blood runs thin, and though you spew disdain,
whatever spittle you may spray, will fail to sublimate.*
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone.
Youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014
Original
Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.
You who lampoon the love struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
the chill sets in, your blood runs cold, and though you feel no pain,
another sense will heighten and your passion turn to hate.
Embrace the words of those in love, who find what once was lost,
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youthful but broken, bleeding hearts, dismayed when first they're crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
* For dale. The psychoanalytical definition.
sublimate
ˈsʌblɪmeɪt/
verb
1.
(in psychoanalytic theory) divert or modify (an instinctual impulse) into a culturally higher or socially more acceptable activity.
"people who sublimate sexuality into activities which help to build up and preserve civilization"
synonyms: channel, control, divert, transfer, redirect, convert, refine, purify, transmute
"work can serve as a means of sublimating rage"
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(12-23-2014, 02:40 AM)Leah S. Wrote: Yeah! ....and Merry Christmas to you, too.
Best,
tectak
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tectak, I have read a lot of your poems and, tbh, they are mostly obscure and hard to follow. This one speaks to me. I like it.
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(12-23-2014, 12:23 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: tectak, I have read a lot of your poems and, tbh, they are mostly obscure and hard to follow. This one speaks to me. I like it.
Hi Q,
I don't do obscure except cynically.
Don't read the one's you don't understand....just read this one 
Thanks for your input this year.
Best and best,
tectak
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(12-22-2014, 06:40 PM)tectak Wrote:
Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
A poet's love of words may woo, but rarely will entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.
You who lampoon the love-struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
strange chill sets in, hot blood runs thin, and though you spew disdain,
whatever spittle you may spray, will fail to sublimate.*
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014
I love the meaning of your poem. The speaker is encouraging love poetry even though it is in vein. It's like something you have to do whether or not it will yield the desired result. Dare I mention that to say "Bereaved, Bereft, alone" is redundant? If creating tension through the redundancy was your goal, then I can understand, after all, what is more redundant than a love poem? I wish I could mention further a word of improvement, but your meter is impeccable here. I love it.
A good critique is a good analysis from the view of the reader.
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I don't see anything to critique here, it is well written. Everything I said after this are just my mere opinion.
Embrace, then...
Is that comma really necessary?
The last stanza is very difficult to read. Lots of commas aren't that much of a deterrent, but when they are added with semicolons twice in a row - now that's kinda confusing.
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
First of all, the comma after "Embrace" makes me wonder, embrace what? But then the semicolons means that the three lines are essentially three major elements in a sentence. Too cumbersome when they can be separated into at least two sentences.
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(12-28-2014, 04:29 PM)StanleyZ Wrote: (12-22-2014, 06:40 PM)tectak Wrote:
Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
A poet's love of words may woo, but rarely will entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.
You who lampoon the love-struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
strange chill sets in, hot blood runs thin, and though you spew disdain,
whatever spittle you may spray, will fail to sublimate.*
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014
I love the meaning of your poem. The speaker is encouraging love poetry even though it is in vein. It's like something you have to do whether or not it will yield the desired result. Dare I mention that to say "Bereaved, Bereft, alone" is redundant? If creating tension through the redundancy was your goal, then I can understand, after all, what is more redundant than a love poem? I wish I could mention further a word of improvement, but your meter is impeccable here. I love it. Hi stanley,
thanks for this. Your question. Yes. There may well be an issue of redundancy but the triple repeat, anaphora, is a valid device though that it is much used is not an excuse for my use...in fact, the opposite may well apply. I only ask that in consideration of the three words you see that each has a different meaning. Is that enough? Thoughts welcome.
Best,
tectak.
(12-28-2014, 05:22 PM)none Wrote: I don't see anything to critique here, it is well written. Everything I said after this are just my mere opinion.
Embrace, then...
Is that comma really necessary?
The last stanza is very difficult to read. Lots of commas aren't that much of a deterrent, but when they are added with semicolons twice in a row - now that's kinda confusing.
Embrace, then, words of those in love, who found what once was lost;
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youths broken by their bleeding hearts, dismayed when first time crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
First of all, the comma after "Embrace" makes me wonder, embrace what? But then the semicolons means that the three lines are essentially three major elements in a sentence. Too cumbersome when they can be separated into at least two sentences.
Hello none,
thanks for your comments. The grammatical issue of the comma is a vexed one.
The sentence is, in fact, (there I go again) modified by the conditionality of the inserted "then". being ,"Embrace words of those in love, who found what once was lost......." BECAUSE of what has been said. I think you can see that a sentence which has "..then words" makes little sense.
That second semicolon is just plain wrong. Credited.
Best,
tectak
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(12-22-2014, 06:40 PM)tectak Wrote:
I find that bereaved, and bereft are pretty much exactly the same... The anaphora is totally acceptable in this position, but I must ask, is it worth saying the same word in two different ways, or do you think something else would appease in this intrusion of common thought? It comes down to the yield of readers that sway one way or another... That is sort of a revelation, and I doubt there is getting around it no matter what words you write...
A good critique is a good analysis from the view of the reader.
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(01-02-2015, 03:31 PM)StanleyZ Wrote: (12-22-2014, 06:40 PM)tectak Wrote:
I find that bereaved, and bereft are pretty much exactly the same... The anaphora is totally acceptable in this position, but I must ask, is it worth saying the same word in two different ways, or do you think something else would appease in this intrusion of common thought? It comes down to the yield of readers that sway one way or another... That is sort of a revelation, and I doubt there is getting around it no matter what words you write... Hi stan,
Pretty much exactly...this worries me . That one can be bereft after bereavement is undoubtably true...and in that sense it is a fair catch. I only ask for acceptance of the anaphora because one can be bereft due to loss of many kinds...desertion, geographical seperation, mental illness, forced seperation (imprisonment, kidnap, parental override etc), none if which involve bereavement and ALL of which are topics of the lovelorn writer. "alone" stands alone...never had someone, cannot lose someone. Subtle, huh? I rest my case
Best,
tectak
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