Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

[Leah S.]

"

Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

Something in my chest that smells like my heart Unfortunate music hall opener."I say, I say, I say
....my dog has no nose!" " How does he smell?" " Terrible".  A rethink I think. Do you get my point?
twists and slides quietly
under the fallen leaves;
under the aspen leaves, the cherry leaves, the apple leaves
that lie still over the red stones. ....but something contrastingly beautiful follows. Watch out for that old chestnut "lie still"...or should it be "still lie" and if not why not? Make purposeful meaning clear. Either way...I am hooked

Something in the air that smells like a cold hearth There must be a better way. Ahaa! Something in my chest /the air that smells OF my heart/a cold hearth. Well, You would have got there soon enough.
sinks and pools idly
between the  waiting stones;
between the patient stones, the stubborn stones, the durable stones
that lie unburied on the steady ground. We are off...beautifully appropriate repetition...do not be dissuaded

I reach out my hand but do not touch
close to the chill earth Awkwardly constructed. " do not touch close to" is enigmatically compromising.To be "not touching" is a  parametric tautology when modifying "close". Change it
over the place where no warm rustle was; You may mask an inversion, but it is still there. Tense is forced to be an issue. l reach/ rustle was. You may got away with it. I reach(ed) out my hand but (do) did not touch the chill earth over the place where no warm rustle (is) was? I could not fail to disagree with you less.
over the lost leaves, the gold leaves, the heavy leaves
that lie absently on the enduring stones. You need to explain "lie absently". Help

I bow my head but not to the weight of pain
downward to the unseen track beneath the leaves (1)I watched him move imperceptibly.....hmmmmm
downward to the unfelt rustle of warmth(2)
downward to the unburied patience of the stones(3)
and feel the cold and stubborn kindness of the turning earth. Phew! Concrete

Leah S.

Rushed. Sorry. Kindly meant.
Best,
tectak

Tectak, you are funny!! Help me out here....smell is the sense that evokes the most emotion, right? So something in my chest, twisted (like your mouth twists right before you start to weep) and it felt as though it slipped away, down under the dead autumn leaves..... (I was sad.)
"I reach out my hand but do not touch;
close to the chill earth
where no warm rustle is" Better?
I struggled with "absently." What I was after was the sense of profound absence one feels in the presence of death. Especially recent death. There is a warm and vibrant force that I can sense emanating from living things, and it was simply "absent." I toyed with 'bereft', 'forsaken',' abandoned'....but they were all too emotionally loaded. I also like the connotation of "absent" as in "absent-minded," as if the dead leaves were simply not paying attention to anything or anybody. Suggestions welcomed for alternate word.

---

Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

Something in my chest that smells like my heart  i keep trying to figure out why smells is important, I find it distracting
twists and slides quietly
under the fallen leaves;
under the aspen leaves, the cherry leaves, the apple leaves
that lie still over the red stones.

Something in the air that smells like a cold hearth
sinks and pools idly
between the  waiting stones;
between the patient stones, the stubborn stones, the durable stones i love how the repetition work here, but durable is the odd word out. patient, stubborn, aspen, cherry, and Apple all have two syllables that lead to a consist flow, durable is three, and the word also sounds a lot different than the other words.... something better than durable I think
that lie unburied on the steady ground.

I reach out my hand but do not touch
close to the chill earth
over the place where no warm rustle was;
over the lost leaves, the gold leaves, the heavy leaves
that lie absently on the enduring stones.

I bow my head but not to the weight of pain
downward to the unseen track beneath the leaves
downward to the unfelt rustle of warmth
downward to the unburied patience of the stones
and feel the cold and stubborn kindness of the turning earth.

Leah S.

I'm just having difficulty getting a greater meaning here, and I figure my reading comprehension to be just above average... I mean, the repetition of stones makes me consider a grave yard but it doesn't seem to quite fit...  

especially that last stanza, you bow you hear near the stone like you might do when visiting a dead loved one, and get comfort from the earth ability to ground them but, then, cold and stubborn kindnes is almost an oxymoron.....

Thank you for crit! I've always had trouble when I'm being literal and trying to describe a "spiritual experience" in concrete, literal terms. I want to keep "smells" because it is bothersome and unusual, and it is the most "emotional" sense. Maybe I should change "heart" but it is the exact connotation I want. I could add an explicative line, but then to keep the structure I would have to add a similar line to each stanza......will play with it. I could also add an adjective in front of "heart" to match "cold" in "cold hearth."
Breaking out the thesaurus for "durable." Didn't really notice the syllable issue until you mentioned it.